I have been subjected to quite a lot of disrespect in my life because of the company I’ve kept and the goals I’ve pursued. Everyone always has an opinion. Early on, I took many of those opinions personally.
But, as time went on, I came to understand a few truths and strategies that more effectively helped me navigate disrespect. Nowadays, disrespect doesn’t bother me at all. Let me share with you some behaviors that can help you more easily handle and process disrespect.
1. Accepting that the way people treat them is typically a reflection of themselves.
You know who isn’t out there disrespecting people for no reason? People who are happy and secure with themselves. No, in my experience, the people who are the most disrespectful tend to be quite unhappy. They aren’t happy with themselves, their life isn’t good, or they are just struggling in general. That, in turn, comes out as anger and aggression.
Once you understand that, you start realizing that their disrespect is informing you that they are a miserable person. Because if they weren’t miserable, they wouldn’t be acting that way. I believe that no one would choose to be miserable if there was something better for them.
Instead of the anger and defensiveness of my youth, I now look at those people with compassion. A simple, “Are you okay?” after an outburst can dramatically shift the dynamic.
2. Controlling their reaction.
I live my life with the perspective that I have no control over anything that is outside of me. And due to mental illness, I sometimes don’t even have control of what’s inside of me. However, I’ve found greater peace and the ability to navigate difficult people by learning to control my reactions.
I grew up with the toxic belief that to be masculine, I should match other people’s energy and reactions. But that doesn’t have to be the case. Instead, I discovered that it’s better to be a fortress whose walls are so thick, so dense, that anything that is flung at me just bounces off. Now, when someone comes at me disrespectfully, I don’t react immediately or with anger. Instead, I let them bounce off of me, and I just look at them quietly for about five seconds (if in person).
I insert that pause because people who are aggressive are generally trying to get a reaction. It’s my way of subtly communicating that I have control over my actions. Then, I calmly address their point instead of firing anger back. If I fire anger back, I know I’m just pouring more gasoline on the fire.
3. Asking for clarity to reveal intent.
Part of the strategy that a disrespectful person uses to get at you is to misunderstand your purpose or intent. Instead of trying to understand from your point of view, they have reached a conclusion which may or may not be genuine. So instead of feeding into it or trying to argue the point, ask them what their point is.
What are they trying to communicate to you? Why don’t they like what you did or did not do? By doing that, you force them to stop and think about it. They are put into a position where they need to articulate their thoughts, which gives them an opportunity to realize that they’re wrong.
Alternatively, they may just get flustered because their intentions were not pure in the moment. It may have been a ploy to manipulate you or just make you feel bad. That falls apart when they have to explain their perception and intention.
4. Addressing tone, and not just words.
As Psychology Today shares, some people are passive-aggressive because they don’t feel they can express their real opinions. So many people will hide their real opinions behind soft words that carry an unfriendly tone. To disarm this kind of disrespect, one needs to focus on the tone rather than the words. Like, if someone says, “I’m so happy for you,” sarcastically, then you can’t focus on the words that they’re saying.
Instead, you have to ask something like, “Why are you being sarcastic about it?”
In my experience, they usually aren’t expecting that. People who are passive-aggressive are usually surrounded by other passive or passive-aggressive people themselves, so they’re used to either getting a snarky response back or the other person just letting it go rather than starting an argument. As such, calling them out directly makes them think twice about their tone with you next time.
5. Not overjustifying themselves.
Many people make the mistake of thinking that if they just explained the reasoning for their actions, then other people would be forced to accept it and change their opinion. That’s not how people work. In reality, overjustifying your boundaries just makes them look negotiable. The more information you give, the more the other person can look for loopholes to try to get past.
That’s not what healthy people do. Healthy people will accept your boundary. That’s not to say that they may not have questions. Discussions sometimes need to happen so everyone can fully understand your boundaries. But before you do that, you want to ensure that they are asking questions in good faith. Like, asking about a boundary so they can better meet your needs is normal and healthy. But if their questions are more aimed at finding reasons to avoid your boundary, you want to shut that down by not giving them explanations that aren’t needed.
6. Leaning into it to turn it into a joke.
I’m going to be completely honest with you – I can be kind of petty at times. Sometimes I’ll just agree with disrespectful people for my own amusement. Like, you want to question my motives and try to make yourself look better at my expense? Alright, let’s ball then. Instead of getting defensive, I would accept responsibility, but then add more to it to make the whole situation look ridiculous.
I’ll admit, it’s not necessarily the most healthy approach, but it is funny, and they never expect it. They’re expecting you to get angry and defensive, not turn it into a joke. They know how to handle the anger because they can just fire anger back. But if they fire anger at a joke, they look ridiculous instead. In my experience, people who act like this can’t stand to look ridiculous. They are often people who want to be taken seriously. I, personally, like to have fun with that at times. Your mileage will vary.
7. Maintaining consistency.
People may behave differently from day-to-day. But a healthy person can maintain their emotional consistency. Their boundaries of yesterday should be the same ones they have today. You do not want to fall into a habit of letting your boundaries be flexible based on how you feel. If you do that, then you will teach the disrespectful person that they just need to wait for the right time to make their move.
It’s hardest to enforce boundaries when you don’t feel good. Maybe you struggle with depression, anxiety, or self-esteem that makes it hard for you to enforce your boundaries. That’s okay. Just do the best you can, and make it a goal to try to maintain consistency in the face of disrespectful people.
8. Walking away instead of engaging with them.
One of the most powerful things you can learn to do for yourself is to walk away from people who go out of their way to misunderstand you. I experienced this a lot in the course of my past work. At some point, I realized that I didn’t owe these people any kind of explanation. In fact, I was just wasting a lot of time on people who didn’t deserve my attention.
You don’t have to explain yourself, your boundaries, or consequences to people who aren’t acting in good faith. Well, you shouldn’t have to with anyone, but healthy relationships do require some discussion sometimes. Instead, you can just choose to walk away, set your boundaries, and refuse their behavior.
In closing…
We can never have control over the actions of other people. The only thing you can control is how you respond to a given situation. When someone throws anger or disrespect at you, it’s like they’re trying to hand it to you. You don’t have to reach out and accept it. Instead, you can just smile at them and ask them if they’re doing okay, and what they mean by their criticism. I was very surprised by how often that would work to completely derail a disrespectful person.
