Niceness can get you taken advantage of in a culture that doesn’t respect it. Far too many people see the “nice” person as someone they can push around, shovel their work onto, or take advantage of. It’s tempting to want to go in the other direction and focus on getting ahead over niceness, but that’s a mistake, too.
One thing I had to learn the hard way is that most people would rather work next to a nice average worker than an unpleasant high-achiever. You need balance. You want to be nice, but not too nice, and here are some ways to do that.
1. Stop overexplaining when you have to say “no.”
Nice people tend to assume that if they carefully explain their position, the other person will be reasonable and understanding. Some people are, but most people are not. Instead, a lot of people will view a “no” that’s given with an explanation as an invitation to try to make things work for their own benefit. Malicious people will interpret the explanation as a possible weak boundary to be pushed.
The easiest way to push back against this is to limit your “no” and keep any explanations tight. You can use phrases like, “I don’t have the time to take that on,” or “My schedule is already booked tight.” And, of course, there’s a good old-fashioned “No” that will suffice in some situations, too.
But what if it’s your boss? And what if they are unreasonable about it? They fired someone, and now they want you to do their job too. They want you to be a “team player,” and they may make promises of relief or future benefits to get you to buy in. The easiest way to deal with that is to fall back on the time excuse.
“I don’t have the time for that,” and then focus on doing your own job. In most cases, that will ruffle the least amount of feathers without drawing undue attention to yourself. Making a defiant stand may cause them to want to knock you down a peg, and you don’t need that additional stress.
2. Pause and think before replying.
In my younger years, I was an agreeable employee. I’m a Gen X’er, and I was still under the hilariously naive impression that hard work would be appreciated and rewarded. Is that true sometimes? Absolutely! Though the word “sometimes” is doing some heavy lifting. I found myself in the habit of just agreeing to different things because I was so used to wanting to help out.
The unfortunate reality I was faced with was essentially exploitation. Someone didn’t come in? Call me. Someone needed to swap work days? Sure, I’ll do it. Someone needs some extra help? Yeah, let me finish this up, and I’ll hop over and help. I wouldn’t even think about it because I reasoned that since I was on the clock, then I should be a “team player”.
The problem with this mentality is that being a “team player” only works if the rest of the team is playing the same game. If they’re not, then you just become an agreeable beast of burden to pick up the slack of other people who don’t work as hard. Instead, pause before you respond. Think about whether or not you have the time, and if you want to actually commit.
Break the habit of impulsive agreement and overcommitment.
3. Be kind instead of nice.
People often confuse nice with kind, but there are big differences. Nice is meant to be pleasant and easy to get along with. Nice people typically don’t want to rock the boat. As such, people who pride themselves on niceness don’t realize that they can actually come off as dishonest. Some people are so nice that they won’t give you honest feedback, even when you’re making a serious mistake.
In the workplace, nice is good because it allows you to get along with your coworkers. No one wants to be miserable at work if they can avoid it. However, for a successful workplace, everyone needs to strive to be as honest as they can be in a tactful way. If there’s a problem or someone is making a mistake, it’s much better for your reputation if you are willing to address it than avoid it. It might not be the nice thing to do, but it is the kind (and right) thing.
Niceness is an easy tool of avoidance that many people employ to avoid upsetting others. But, to be kind, sometimes you have to tell other people not-nice things.
4. Let discomfort exist around you.
It’s common for someone who struggles with discomfort to immediately launch into niceness to try to smooth over an awkward situation. Awkward situations happen. Maybe you have a meeting that ran too long, or someone won’t stop talking about something that is completely irrelevant. Whatever the case, you don’t have to try to soothe every uncomfortable situation.
In fact, it’s better that you don’t, otherwise you turn into the work babysitter who winds up taking care of everyone else’s needs. You may find yourself saddled with a bunch of work that you didn’t ask for because you just wanted to make things easier for the group. In a just world, that would be appreciated and respected. But that isn’t always how it works out.
It’s not your job to fix everyone else’s problems – unless, of course, that actually is your job.
5. Stop trying to manage how other people feel about you.
Perhaps you’ve fallen into the trap of trying to be too likable. People-pleasers may struggle with this in the workplace. They may want to be seen as helpful or the go-to person, they may want other people to see them in a particular way, and they end up sacrificing their boundaries for it. It’s not healthy or productive for a long-term situation.
You can’t control how other people are going to feel about you. Yes, you can make some effort toward that end by being pleasant. But volunteering for additional work or responsibility isn’t necessarily the way to do that. You can be firm, but you don’t want to equate niceness to being a doormat.
Be polite, enforce your boundaries, and let people feel how they feel. If anyone has a problem with it, that’s a person you should keep an eye on. Reasonable people are going to accept and understand your boundaries. The ones who don’t are the ones you should be wary of.
6. Make yourself and your work visible.
It’s common for nice people to downplay their own accomplishments. They don’t want to make other people feel insecure, or they may not feel comfortable being in the spotlight. The unfortunate reality is that you have to be your biggest cheerleader. If you let your accomplishments go unpromoted, then other people will step in to take credit for them.
Then, you lose out on whatever respect and benefits that you would have gained from your success. Likability has little to do with respect. In fact, a lot of people simply don’t respect people who are too nice because they assume you’re a doormat to be walked on.
Commanding respect isn’t always a nice thing. Sometimes, if someone pushes you, you have to push back. Similarly, you can’t be in the workplace letting other people take credit for your work because you want to be nice. If that makes other people uncomfortable, that’s their problem, not yours.
In closing…
Life levels up when you stop treating niceness as the most important metric of moving through the world. In too many cases, niceness will just get you taken advantage of. Don’t let that be you. In fact, if you want to gain respect, pairing niceness with firm boundaries is the way to go about it.
That may be declining more work that you know you can’t do, providing honest feedback when it’s needed, or realigning with your own work priorities. After all, it’s highly unlikely someone is going to come bail you out if you are the one who always bails everyone else out.
