Are you the “nice” colleague at work who does everything, always has the answers, and covers for everyone else without complaint? Or the friend who always texts first, plans every hangout, and then gets ghosted by said friends until they need something? Perhaps you’re the partner or family member who keeps the peace by constantly adjusting, accommodating, and apologizing — even when the issue had nothing to do with you in the first place? Maybe you’re all of these, and more.
I’ve been there — arranging and performing tasks that aren’t my responsibility because I’m a good “team” player. The problem is, when you are constantly available for others, people will likely keep using you to make their lives easier. In time, resentment builds, and you feel used. If you recognize these signs, you’ve crossed the line from being laid back to being a doormat in your relationships, and it’s time to stop letting others walk all over you.
1. You apologize for things that aren’t your fault.
Like many walking doormats, I am super quick to apologize. Experts advise that it’s a common anxiety-driven behavior used to soothe low self-esteem. But the problem is, it always makes us seem at fault, placing all our power at the feet of others. For me, it stems from feelings of self-doubt: I constantly question myself and don’t believe I am good enough after a lifetime of being told I was a flake due to my ADHD.
Unfortunately, this self-doubt also means I’ll step up and do anything to cover my own shame and feelings of being unworthy. Because people think that I’m just nice and willing to do extra work, I’ve ended up doing much more than I should. I frequently got used by colleagues who were happy to offload their assignments onto me.
If this is you, too: stop. Take a breath before every unnecessary “sorry.” The word should mean something, and if you do something wrong, it’s so much more powerful to use the word with intention and consideration. Instead of scattering it throughout your day, limit its use to when it actually matters.
2. You regularly let others interrupt or talk over you.
In meetings, my brain can feel like it’s juggling a dozen thoughts at once. When I finally wrangle a coherent sentence, and someone cuts me off, it feels like the thread just snaps.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there are many reasons why people interrupt, and it doesn’t always come from a place of disrespect. I know this all too well. Often, it’s just a matter of brain wiring and missing social cues. I’ve been known to babble over people to get my ideas out, but after experiencing how hard it can be to get cut off mid-sentence, I’ve worked hard to pause and let others finish first, particularly in work settings or where important decisions are being made.
Still, some people will have no such problem interrupting you, and when you regularly accept it, you start believing what you wanted to say isn’t important and that you don’t matter. So work on being more assertive in your communication by addressing the person politely but directly or using a simple phrase like, “I hadn’t finished” or “Thanks for sharing that, I’d like to finish my point now” to let others know you’re not done talking.
3. Your empathy lacks boundaries.
At times, colleagues and friends have used me as a sounding board because I care and am willing to listen. Unfortunately, it can be really challenging to take a step back, which often takes its toll on my mental health and results in empathy fatigue.
While empathy can support good things like active listening, open communication, and validating others’ experiences, it’s also important to know when people might be taking advantage of your empathy. The key is to learn the difference between compassionately offering support and becoming an emotional dumping ground for others.
As someone living with chronic illness, this is something I’ve had to work hard to spot and overcome. With the increased stress of carrying everyone else’s feelings, my Hashimoto’s disease flares with a host of unpleasant symptoms.
Fortunately, one of the managing editors I work with helped by pulling me aside for a reality check. She’d realized how team members had little consideration for my health and well-being and were taking advantage of my kindness. She encouraged me to ration my caring and set boundaries. It may take some practice, but you can still help others while conserving your energy.
4. You avoid stating your needs directly.
In my mind, if I never directly ask for something, I can safely avoid failure. It’s a common experience for many people who learned early that voicing their needs made them a burden or inconvenience, so it felt safer to hint and hope than to ask outright and face potential rejection.
As such, at work, if I wanted a promotion, I’d hint at it or leave breadcrumbs for my manager to follow, but never officially state my ambition. This passive approach meant I became an expert at being the “helpful sidekick” in everyone else’s story, but I was terrified to be the main character in my own. Holding back limited my career, while I kept building the success of those around me.
Not saying what I wanted is perhaps one of the clearest signs that I was a doormat in relationships, too, and my ex can attest to my never telling him when I felt overlooked or abused. It was only when I accepted that conflict resolution matters and that it’s better to deal with the discomfort of a difficult conversation that my stress and relationships improved. My needs are valid and deserve to be voiced, even if that felt risky at first. Yours are too.
5. You say “yes” immediately.
Having been parentified as a child, I quickly learned to be agreeable. That automatic agreement is a reflex designed to avoid the immediate discomfort of disappointing someone, even if it means sacrificing your own peace. If you’re the type of person who always gets saddled with extra responsibility or attends events you hate because you agreed without thinking, you know what this is like.
The momentary satisfaction of appeasing others quickly fades into resentment. Each reluctant “yes” feels like a small betrayal of your own needs, and over time, those betrayals build into a heavy burden. This people-pleasing negatively affects your feelings and health.
Now, I buy some time to consider before agreeing. I’ll say something like, “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.” That small pause gives me space to check in with myself and decide if the request aligns with my own priorities.
6. You downplay your accomplishments.
I once spent weeks on a report that my boss praised in a team meeting. Yet the first words out of my mouth were, “Thanks, but I really wish I’d had more time to fix the formatting on page 10.” I was so afraid of being seen as arrogant and so used to feeling like an impostor that I immediately pointed out a flaw no one else saw. I couldn’t just accept that I had done a good job.
When you feel uncomfortable with compliments and seeing your own abilities, you overextend to make up for your perceived flaws, which opens the door to doing too much and being used. Yes, it’s admirable to be humble, but humility and being underconfident about your abilities are not the same thing. Learn to accept compliments with grace: simply say thank you and accept that you did a good job.
7. You’re always the one to accommodate.
It feels good to be the person others can count on, but there’s a difference between being helpful and being the only one who ever makes a sacrifice. When you’re always the one changing your plans, doing the extra work, or going the extra mile, your generosity is likely being taken for granted.
Even in my casual relationships, I saw how people took advantage of my willingness to do more. I was always the one to reach out and call friends, make arrangements, clean up after parties, and be the designated driver. I even once helped a distant relative move three states over.
I did these things because I felt I had to, not because the effort was reciprocated. If you look at your relationships and realize you’re the only one making concessions, you’re not just being nice — you’re carrying the entire weight.
8. You over-explain your “no.”
Saying “no” is powerful. When you learn to decline something that’s not in your best interest, you exert your ability to choose what works for you. Saying “no” can bring clarity and authenticity to your life as you see where you stand and clearly show peers how to treat you.
However, Many people forget that “no” is a sentence on its own and doesn’t require extensive explanations. Yes, it’s polite to add a pleasantry, for example, saying “No thanks” or “No, I’m not available for that,” but when you start elaborating, it turns a power word into a negotiation, which means you’re open to compromising on your position.
For example, I recently turned down a request to help a colleague with their project over the weekend. Instead of simply saying, “No, I have family plans,” I ended up sending five text messages of detailed justification. My boundary ended up being so flexible that I canceled my family plans and reluctantly helped with their proposal. Stand firm behind your “no” by keeping it short but sweet.
Final thoughts…
Saying “no,” standing up for yourself, and considering what’s in your best interest is how you embrace your right to thrive. It also means accepting that you are good enough and that you don’t have to impress others. It takes practice, but now, I advocate for my well-being before I overextend and become a doormat. When you stop being dependent on those around you for validation, you start living life on your terms.
I still have moments when I feel like a fraud and want to do things I really don’t have time or reason for, but then I remember that I have earned the right to speak up simply by existing. I’m not part of the furnishings or something to wipe your feet on. Stand tall, and people won’t walk all over you.
