Few things are as frustrating as when a person who should be apologizing to you for wrongdoing makes an excuse for their behavior instead.
There’s always some reason why they did what they did, and their “I’m sorry, but…” is about as sincere as a politician’s promise.
There are always reasons why people do this instead of offering apologies, but that doesn’t mean their behavior is acceptable. It can help you to understand them and decide what action to take, though.
With that in mind, if someone in your life always offers excuses alongside their apologies, they’ll usually be telling you one or more of these 9 things:
People who include an excuse with every apology are communicating these 9 things to you:
1. They want to normalize their bad behavior.
You might have seen posts online where people say, “Let’s normalize __” and then describe a behavior that most would find offensive.
An apology that comes with an excuse attached is the same. The person giving it wants their behavior to be normalized because they want acceptance for acting poorly.
Essentially, they want to be told that what they did was normal and okay, which establishes a precedent for them to do it again in the future.
The apology isn’t a real admission of being wrong and wanting to change.
The individual simply wants to be given carte blanche to do whatever they want. And if they’re absolved of wrongdoing in this situation, they have the freedom to justify similar missteps in the future.
2. They don’t actually care how their actions affected you.
Do you remember when you were a child and you did something that you felt was completely correct (like pushing someone back after they shoved you off the slide), but you were forced to apologize for doing so?
You didn’t actually feel sorry for doing it at all, but you said the words because your parents would have punished you if you didn’t. It was solely lip service with no authentic contrition behind those words.
A person who apologizes with an excuse will often do so for the same reason. They are apologizing to avoid consequence, not because they actually care how their actions affected you.
You can usually confirm this by calling them out on the apology and seeing how long it takes them to change the subject or get mad at you for keeping on about it.
3. They are trying to gain sympathy to manipulate the situation, whether intentional or not.
Years ago, I briefly dated a guy with what psychologists call a “waif” subtype (i.e., helpless) borderline personality disorder.
He would lash out and say something horrible to me, and then turn around and start crying about what a horrible person he was, how he didn’t deserve me, how he should harm himself, etc.
I was expected to set aside my anger and hurt at his mistreatment of me so I could comfort and reassure him instead.
The relationship didn’t last long, as you can imagine, but while it did, it was a rollercoaster that consisted of him evading accountability for his actions via self-loathing and passive aggression.
Though obviously his behavior was driven by his mental health condition, and he deserved compassion for his struggles, it was hard to live with.
And of course, you don’t have to have a personality disorder to behave this way. When it comes to apologizing, many people play the victim either intentionally or unconsciously to try and evade the consequences of their actions.
It’s a bit like when a puppy destroys a pair of shoes and then crawls to you on their belly, all soft-eyed and whimpering, looking for affection and reassurance.
4. They’re seeking to justify their actions.
If someone’s apology always comes with an excuse, i.e., the fabled “but”, then a lot of the time they’re simply justifying their own behavior.
One common approach is when they say “I’m sorry that I did X thing, but that’s just who I am.”
Or they might insist that since they were doing what they felt was right in that moment, then you’re being unreasonable for being upset about it.
This puts the onus back on the person who was wronged (namely you) to “stop making a big deal out of things,” instead of them acknowledging that they erred and taking action to make amends.
We all misstep at times. The key is to recognize when we have, let those we care about know that we’re sincerely sorry, and put effort into not repeating that misstep.
That’s the difference between a sincere apology and empty words meant to evade accountability.
5. They want to maintain a sense of dominance.
A lot of people seem to feel that apologizing makes them look weak.
In their minds, they lose their aura of power and authority if they admit to wrongdoing, so it’s better for them to excuse their behavior instead of acknowledging that they did something bad.
As a result, they have justifications for every half-assed apology they deign to offer.
A person who does this will say things like “I’m sorry you feel that way,” and blame the other person for not understanding.
After that, they’ll immediately shut down the conversation if the other person tries to pursue it.
They have to maintain their sense of superiority and will often get condescending and belittling — as though the other person is a child who’s incapable of higher reason.
6. They don’t have enough empathy or emotional intelligence to sincerely understand their wrongdoing.
In many cases, a person will apologize with an excuse because they’ve learned or been taught that saying “sorry” will make people stop being angry.
They never learned that apologizing is actually about making amends, i.e., seeking to comprehend how and why their actions caused that person to be upset, so that they don’t make the same mistake again.
They don’t actually understand what they did wrong, so they just say and do what they think is expected of them.
For example, someone I know has a teenage daughter who videoed one of her schoolmates being beaten up, and she posted that video online.
She was reprimanded for her actions, but justified her behavior because she wasn’t one of the people being physically violent.
This girl honestly did not understand why she was being punished. Her reality was that she was innocent of any wrongdoing, and she didn’t know why anyone was mad at her. As a result, her response was: “I didn’t do anything wrong, but I’ll say ‘sorry’ anyway.”
She lacked the emotional intelligence and empathy required for genuine accountability, but hopefully those skills will be learned as she matures.
Unfortunately though, not everyone has the awareness or the desire to learn these skills, so you end up with grown adults who can’t be sincerely contrite because they’re simply incapable of comprehending why their actions were wrong.
7. They meant to hurt you and their “apology” is meaningless.
We often see this behavior in narcissists, sociopaths, abusers, and other individuals with sadistic inclinations.
People like this fully intend to cause hurt and distress, so their apology is utterly insincere.
Unfortunately, in cases like these, calling them out on their non-apology just gives them an opportunity to put DARVO into full practice (that’s Deny, Attack, Reverse Victimhood and Offender).
As such, you’re left with two options: accept the insincere apology knowing full well that they don’t care, or risk an argument or even greater confrontation by making it clear that they don’t mean it.
8. They’re only sorry that they didn’t get their way. Yet.
It’s surprising how many adults behave like sulking adolescents who are walking around in grown-up suits.
They’ll often make several attempts to get their way in a given situation, and when the other person finally snaps and gets mad at them, they’ll mutter an excuse-laden apology before slinking off again.
Someone who behaves in this way isn’t sorry at all.
They’re only sorry that they didn’t get what they wanted, and they are offering a hollow apology for now so they can regroup and try another approach later.
Be on your guard when someone acts this way, as they’re likely to intensify their attempts in the future.
9. It’s more important to them to stop feeling bad than make amends to you.
Years ago, a woman I was friends with behaved atrociously towards me. She offered an excuse-laden apology after the fact, and her husband stepped in to “take full responsibility” for what had unfolded.
The expectation was that I would absolve her of her wrongdoing and get back to being friends again, since her husband had taken on the role of scapegoat and whipping boy.
When I refused, she became seriously angry with me for “making her feel bad.”
If she had felt sincere remorse for her awful actions, she would have apologized sincerely and either asked how she could make it up to me, or given me space and time to work through what had occurred.
But she didn’t.
She wanted to move past it all quickly so she could go back to having fun and feeling lighthearted, and I was the jerk for not allowing her to do so, even though I was the severely wronged party in this situation.
She only cared about her feelings, not mine.
Final thoughts…
If there are people in your life who consistently justify their poor behavior towards you instead of apologizing sincerely for it, then it’s a good idea to determine what kind of a role you’d like them to play in your sphere as you move forward.
Quite frankly, if they gauge their actions based on what they can get away with rather than whether they’re treating you decently or not, that tells you a great deal about them.
Knowing what they’re really like, you can adjust both your behavior towards them and their presence in your life accordingly.
