I have long had this problem, which I’m guessing you can relate to.
All of my life, I’ve never felt like I truly belonged anywhere. It’s a feeling like standing alone in a group full of people, or sitting in a bubble that everyone is outside of.
That feeling of loneliness is painful because you know you should be able to connect with people. After all, other people can build meaningful connections with others, so why can’t you?
That heavy feeling can feel so isolating, and worse still, it can cause you to think unhelpful thoughts. Identifying them is the first step to challenging them and finding peace with who you are, quirks and all.
6 painful thoughts you have when you feel like you don’t belong:
1. “No one really knows me.”
In many cases, the loneliness and isolation we feel are related to a disconnection within oneself.
In my case, I spent a number of years not fully embracing the whole spectrum of who I am. The result was that the version of me that other people were familiar with was not the authentic one.
I was betraying my authentic self because I was trying to feel like a part of a group. Social connection is such an important part of the human experience, and I dulled myself down to meet others’ expectations.
I now realize the issue with that.
Quite a lot of the people that I thought I was close to only valued the version of me that I had shown them. After all, how would they know any different? People can only know what I’m willing to show them.
If I had to do it all again, I would ask myself, “Am I being authentic?” I now understand that it’s better to be disliked for who you are than loved for who you’re not. Because that’s not actually love, is it?
2. “I’m tired of feeling like I have to earn my place in others’ lives.”
After I started accepting my social quirks, I realized that relationships aren’t really something you earn. You don’t bend over backwards to be kind and considerate to someone and expect to get friendship out of them.
Besides, if you’re only doing kind things so people will like and accept you, then you’re not actually being kind. That’s just manipulation dressed up in niceness.
People either value you for who you are, or they don’t. Love and friendship are not something that can be earned, nor should they be.
But where does that leave someone who feels like they don’t belong anywhere?
The approach I take now is to openly communicate. If I’m trying to nurture a friendship or relationship, then I say that. I see no reason to try to guess or make pieces fit in a puzzle they don’t belong in.
It’s far better to be true to yourself, alone for a while, and patient. Yes, you may have to take yourself out of your comfort zone by engaging with new people. But if someone makes you feel like you have to earn your place in their life by jumping through hoops or behaving a certain way? They aren’t the friend or partner for you.
3. “I’m tired of changing parts of myself just to be accepted.”
Stop. Stop it right now. Changing parts of yourself to earn acceptance is a path that only leads to heartbreak and further isolation.
It is far, far better to be alone than it is to feel accepted for being someone that you’re not. Besides, what makes those people so special that you should be sacrificing pieces of who you are just to make them happy?
The truth is that you don’t have to be perfectly aligned with another person to have a good friendship. If you’re authentic, you can appreciate other people’s authenticity and have your authenticity appreciated by them.
You shouldn’t have to change yourself to be like them. If that’s something they require, they aren’t the people for you.
Stay alone rather than with the wrong people, and keep going through your life. Try to break out of your normal social circles to connect with new people by getting involved in social communities. You won’t find your tribe by pretending to be someone you’re not.
4. “Why does it feel like everyone has friends but me?”
Loneliness, isolation, and depression are all filthy liars who will pollute your mind with unhealthy thoughts.
Yes, sometimes we are alone in life. Relationships, life situations, and social circles can all change for reasons outside of our control. But you are not the only one who is going through this painful circumstance. There are other people out there who are. And while that may not sound exactly comforting, it’s important to maintain perspective.
Just because you feel lonely now doesn’t mean you always will. It doesn’t mean you’re the only one who does. It doesn’t mean your future isn’t ripe with opportunity.
No, we cannot know what is ahead for us. What we can do is look to the future, knowing that we can make different decisions. We can learn, grow, and forge new connections with people who like us for who we are.
5. “I’m tired of being the one who always makes the effort.”
You may feel frustrated if you feel lonely, put in a lot of effort, and don’t feel like it’s reciprocated. Disproportionate expectations can amplify loneliness, and a thirsty person is going to drink deep. Meaning, when you feel lonely, you may be putting out a lot more effort than you normally would. And if the other person doesn’t feel lonely, or doesn’t have the same kind of social cadence as you, then it can feel isolating.
It helps to stop and assess the overall relationship. Are your expectations too high? Is the other person putting in any effort at all? Have you communicated your needs to that other person?
Maybe you want to get together more often or wish they’d show a bit more curiosity about your life. If you haven’t voiced that already, try it. All it takes is something like “I’d love to meet up more often.”
People can’t meet needs they don’t know you have. And once they do know, if they don’t step up their effort, it may be time to try to expand your social circle by getting involved in other social events or communities.
6. “Maybe there’s something wrong with me that makes me feel this way.”
Maybe there is. Surprise! I bet you thought I was going to tell you that absolutely nothing is wrong with you and it’s everyone else.
Well, I don’t know you personally, obviously. What I do know is that my life and social difficulties started making a whole lot more sense when I was diagnosed as autistic. Turns out, the reason I couldn’t feel all that connected to people is that my brain does not function in a typical way.
Does that mean we are all doomed to isolation and loneliness?
The answer is no.
One thing I’ve noticed in my recovery is that the more accepting I became about a situation, the easier it became.
The thirsty person is looking for water to quench their thirst, but I stopped looking for water to drink because I realized my thirst was a result of something I cannot change.
What I can do is appreciate the connections I have and develop a sense of gratitude for them. In turn, I started feeling closer to people. Not as close as others, but still closer.
More importantly, I stopped injuring myself with this belief that I was somehow undeserving. I’m just wired differently. That’s all.
Closing thoughts…
I would encourage you to speak to a counselor if you are someone who has experienced chronic loneliness for a long time. In my case, I wasn’t diagnosed with autism until I was in my mid-30s. As such, I essentially had a lifetime of trying to connect with other people, failing to connect, and the emotional turmoil that came from that.
It would have been far easier if I had opened up to a professional to discuss my issues much earlier on.
But alas, I am but a humble, stubborn man who has a hard time asking for and receiving help. Don’t do what I did. If you feel chronically lonely and you can’t find a solution, talk to a professional.
You may have something greater going on that you don’t understand yet, and self-awareness and self-compassion are two of the greatest gifts you can give yourself if you’re in this situation.
