Few relationships last forever, and friendships fall into that category as well. There will be people who’ll stay in your life for decades — like the kid you made friends with in third grade and ends up in your wedding party — and others who show up for a reason or a season.
But much like romantic relationships, some friendships go on longer than they should; far longer than is comfortable or healthy for anyone involved. If any of your friendship dynamics resemble the ones listed below, it’s likely time to move on from one another.
1. They use you as a therapist.
You can’t remember the last time they asked you how you’re doing, but they message or call you several times a day to complain about their woes and ask for help or reassurance.
After all, why should they look something up online or try doing anything for themselves when they have you to turn to? This behavior will often be accompanied by standard catchphrases or excuses about how you’re the only one they can trust, how much they need you, how good you are at everything, and so on.
As the Newport Institute tells us, people who behave like this place an unfair, unwanted burden on your shoulders that you never asked for. Over time, they’ll drain your energy and make you resentful, and you’ll likely actively avoid this person so you don’t have to deal with all their woes, which, if you’re going to be honest, are often self-inflicted.
2. You only hear from them when you can do something for them.
Maybe you work in an industry that they can benefit from on occasion, so they reach out to you when they want something, but you never hear from them otherwise. In fact, you don’t even exist to them most of the time. They don’t reply to your texts or emails, and you may not speak for months at a time.
My partner often had to deal with this when she worked for the entertainment industry, and I experienced the same thing when I worked security at music festivals — people we hadn’t heard from in ages suddenly missed us terribly and would love free passes to an event so they could spend some real, quality time with us. While Psych Central advises that all friendships ebb and flow as far as fairness and reciprocity go, one-sided friendships in which you’re only a means by which they can attain their wants aren’t real friendship at all.
3. Their idea of humor is to constantly put you down.
A lot of us have had a friend like this at some point. Everything you do is somehow hilarious to them, and they’ll mock you and put you down at the slightest provocation. Furthermore, they’ll keep bringing up something about you that they found amusing pretty much forever. Hey, remember that time you did that stupid thing seven years ago? Or how you called the teacher “mom” in first grade? Hurr hurr.
If there’s a “friend” in your world with whom you feel that you constantly need to brace yourself because of their inevitable mockery, ask yourself why you’re choosing to keep this person in your life. If there isn’t a sincere connection between you and you would honestly be happier without them, it’s time to turn this emotional vampire loose.
4. They’re constantly in competition with you.
Trying to be friends with a person who is constantly competing with you can be completely exhausting. This type of person will try to one-up you at the gym, will find out what computer or car you’ve just bought so they can get one that’s just a bit better, and will intrude to try and take attention away from you at social functions. Depending on just how competitive they are, they might even try to sleep with your partner (or “win” them away from you completely).
Neuro Launch advises that competitive friendships might be innate to us on some level because hundreds of thousands of years ago, Grok needed to compete with Crunk for resources and a mate. But still, that doesn’t mean we need to indulge these base instincts. After all, we’re not cave people anymore. Write a pro and con list about this competitive, so-called friend of yours, and if there are more cons than pros about staying in contact, it’s time to release this friendship that no longer serves you.
5. You’re essentially their bank, and they rarely (if ever) deposit anything.
This person demands your time and attention but is rarely available in return. They’ll borrow money from you and rarely return it, borrow items that they end up losing or breaking and never replace, and never go out of their way to do anything good for you.
Basically, they’re using you. They’re treating you the same way small children treat their parents: like an ever-giving support structure that they can draw upon whenever they need to, and it doesn’t occur to them to reciprocate. Why would they? Isn’t that what you’re for? If they don’t have this kind of support from their family, they’ve likely pigeonholed you into the role whether you like it or not, and it’s up to you to extricate yourself from this position.
6. They give constant criticism without actionable recommendations.
In a friendship like this, the person in question is perpetually naysaying you without providing any kind of practical solution. They’ll criticize your choices and imply that you aren’t capable of achieving the things you’re dreaming of, all under the guise of trying to protect you from potential disappointment.
In reality, they don’t want you to succeed because that will put a spotlight on their own shortcomings. If they can convince you that you’ll hurt yourself if you train to run a 10km marathon, then you’ll be more content to sit on the couch and watch endless reruns with them instead.
7. They’re a flying monkey.
This type of “friend” really only communicates with you so they can gather intel and bring it back to others in your extended social group, rather like the flying monkeys that the Wicked Witch of the West sent out in the Wizard of Oz film. They’re not interested in you at all, but they delight in gossiping and muckraking and are happy to help play their part in petty dramas.
As a result, they might reach out to talk or spend time after periods of absence, and ask not-so-subtle questions that obviously originate from your ex, your estranged family, and so on.
This person’s intentions towards you are anything but friendly, so don’t be taken in by their attempts to socialize. Even if they offer seemingly sincere apologies for past transgressions and really want to make things up to you, don’t trust them. By keeping your distance, you’ll keep your peace.
8. They are a fragment of a former life.
A lot of people maintain friendships long after their shelf life has expired out of a sense of obligation, or simply long-term familiarity. For example, they might have made friends with the kid across the street when they were eight because there was no one else to hang out with, and are still in contact even though they have nothing in common. Similarly, they might have made friends with their now ex-partner’s social group, and stay in touch because they’d feel bad cutting ties.
There is never an obligation to keep a person in your life if they aren’t bringing real joy into it. Your time is precious, so only dole it out to those you sincerely care about. If you’re only talking to someone because you feel you have to, that’s a sign that you’ve outgrown the friendship and that things need to end.
Final thoughts…
Breaking up with friends can be far more difficult than ending romantic relationships. This is because it’s practically expected that friendships will last forever, and that it has to take a monumental falling-out for one to fall apart, whereas romantic connections fizzle all the time.
If you feel that it’s time for you to end a friendship, there are many approaches you can take, from gradual fade-outs to a heartfelt talk about why you need to part ways. Choose the method that you think will work best for you, and move on.
