Why do some women seem to naturally command respect from everyone around them, while others end up being gossiped about or not taken seriously? Some women are naturally assertive and seem to exude an aura of power and self-confidence as soon as they waltz into a room, while others have to learn how to cultivate that demeanor over time, through trial and error.
Whether their assertiveness is innate or learned, women who command respect from others invariably do the following things on a regular basis.
1. They speak in a lower, more measured tone.
Research from Penn State shows that those who speak with a lower pitch appear more formidable to others. As such, women who command respect often have lower voices and speak in a calm, measured tone. They may come across as a bit more masculine by doing so, but their cadence draws people’s attention while simultaneously commanding their respect.
As someone with a natural lower-register (alto) voice, I’ve often found that people stop talking and pay attention to me when I speak, and have been much more respectful towards me than they have been with my more girlish-sounding peers. Interestingly, Psychology Today reports that women who use this “sing-song” voice may actually be doing so to (unconsciously) avoid coming across as assertive.
This might be an instinctively protective measure, but the downside is that women with high voices who speak quickly and excitedly aren’t generally taken seriously, as others may perceive them as sounding childlike.
2. They keep their private lives to themselves.
If you’ve ever lost respect for someone who has shared far too much information about their private life than you ever wanted to know, then you’re aware of how important it is to keep one’s private life exactly that. Of course, it’s good to share with your nearest and dearest when you need to, but psychology teaches us that there are certain things you should always keep to yourself.
As such, women who refuse to share details of their personal lives are usually respected far more than those who launch into TMI land at the slightest provocation. They maintain an air of dignified professionalism, even in social situations, and will never find themselves at the center of any scandalous gossip: nobody knows enough about them to even try going down that road.
3. They approach things objectively and logically rather than emotionally.
According to research from the University of Michigan, women are not more emotional than men, despite misconceptions to the contrary. It’s often the case that women’s reactions are labelled emotional or hysterical, whereas a man will be labelled as passionate, confident, or taking control. Double standards, though it is, this can lead to women being dismissed as irrational or cause others to lose respect for them if they react to a situation emotionally. This is why a pause before responding can be so powerful for not reacting emotionally.
Assertive women who command respect maintain their cool and don’t respond to anything without gathering all the pertinent information first. Only once they have all the evidence they need, and there’s little margin of error, will they respond by taking appropriate action. Essentially, they channel their inner Captain Kathryn Janeway rather than Carrie Bradshaw.
4. They work to establish a keen understanding of those around them.
Few things command as much respect as when someone puts in the time and effort not just to see, but to understand those around them. This works just as well for mothers as it does for women in the workplace, as it allows them keen insights about who they’re interacting with, and the best methods for communicating with them.
Basically, they pay attention to what makes others tick. As a result, when and if they’re in a position of authority — such as leading a team — they delegate tasks to the people who are best suited to handle them, instilling confidence in them.
Similarly, mothers who seek to understand where their kids are coming from work with them to establish fair rules and consequences, and end up being listened to and respected more than those who simply scream and punish inconsistently.
5. They create and defend boundaries fiercely.
People who are easily manipulated or pushed around aren’t respected by anyone. In contrast, those who create and defend their boundaries and don’t tolerate any egress might get snarked about by those who try to overstep them, but they’ll also respect them for being such hardasses.
Case in point: let’s say a woman cooks a meal for someone, and they respond that it isn’t as good as their mother’s recipe. A woman who caves in and prepares something different, or apologizes for not being good enough, will establish herself as a doormat and receive similar treatment from there onwards. In contrast, a woman who takes that person’s plate away, eats their own in front of them, and tells them to go back to mommy so she can feed them instead isn’t likely to deal with that behavior again.
6. They express things without apologizing or undermining themselves.
A lot of women do themselves a disservice by undermining themselves with apologies or disclaimers. When sending emails or giving presentations, for example, they might apologize profusely or use phrases like “I just…” or “if that makes sense?”. This makes them seem uncertain and will draw people’s amusement and contempt rather than their respect.
In contrast, women who command immense respect from others will express their ideas without minimizing them. Furthermore, if others disagree with them, they’ll argue their stance articulately or agree to disagree, rather than backing down and apologizing for contradicting anyone.
7. They negotiate with others rather than bulldozing them.
Organizational Psychologist, Dr Marcia Reynolds, reports that there is a fine line between aggression and assertiveness, which many women overstep, much to their detriment. They may have been taught that to be taken seriously and respected, they had to bulldoze their way through any situation, behaving like angry “girlbosses” and not allowing anyone to disagree with them.
This is not the way.
Nobody truly respects those who order them around, whatever their gender. Alternatively, those whose bosses work with them to channel their greatest skills, find challenges, and listen to their opinions are deeply respected. On a fundamental level, people respect and admire those who make them feel strong, seen, and heard, not those who push them around. A queen will draw people because she treats them with dignity, while a girlboss who’s behaving like a pitbull will push them away.
8. They brook no disrespect.
If an assertive woman is being disrespected by someone, she’ll put a stop to it immediately rather than letting it go and/or hoping that someone else will step in to be the adult in the situation. She makes it abundantly clear that she has zero tolerance for that kind of behavior.
For example, if she’s giving a talk at work and she’s interrupted, she’ll tell that person not to do it again or order them to leave the room. Similarly, if she’s in a group of acquaintances and one makes a snide comment, she’ll immediately put them on the spot and ask them to explain themselves. Responses like this ensure that she will be respected by everyone within her sphere.
Final thoughts…
These behaviors are generally bolstered by other actions and attributes that assertive women embody. For example, one who speaks articulately but slouches won’t command respect as easily as one who has a strong, straight posture.
However, the key to commanding respect from others is to put all of these attributes into practice in a way that feels comfortable and natural; otherwise, it can come across as a pretense, and the previously offered respect may be rescinded.
