The term “social skills” is quite literal. Like any skill, you can be good at it, bad at it, or oblivious to it. Socializing is a skill that you can learn, practice, and develop to get better at. Perhaps you are shy, socially anxious, or have a condition or neurodivergence that affects the way you relate to people.
Regardless of the reason, it’s easy to make the “wrong” moves socially if you don’t have an inherent talent or ability for socializing. I should know, I’m on the autistic spectrum, so I’ve made a lot of social mistakes in my time. But I learned and grew, whilst still honoring my authentic self, and you can, too.
One major issue I faced was not understanding that certain social behaviors can accidentally make people feel worse about themselves. How do you avoid that? Well, keep an eye out for these behaviors.
1. One-upping their stories and experiences.
I never meant to one-up anyone when they would share their stories and experiences. To me, sharing a story of my own that I felt was similar enough was a way to communicate, “Hey, I can kind of understand where you’re coming from because I’ve had this similar experience, too.”
This is actually a common way of showing empathy among autistic people and isn’t inherently wrong. But whilst it’s valid to share your experience, particularly when it comes from a place of trying to connect, it’s important to remember that communication needs to make both parties feel heard.
Then there are those whose story topping comes from a place of insecurity, according to Psychology Today. The other person tells their story, but as you’re the last one to tell your story, people focus on yours, particularly if your experience was more interesting.
That’s hurtful to people because joy and connection can be hard things to find in life. When someone is sharing a story, they are looking for connection, and your story pulls the attention away.
So, what’s a better approach? Use your experiences to ask informed questions that don’t detract from the other person’s story.
For example, let’s say you’ve both taken a vacation to Hawaii. You can ask questions like – what beaches did you go to? Did you get to surf or scuba dive? What about those prices, right? By doing that, you’re engaging and sharing the spotlight rather than stealing it.
2. Offering unsolicited advice or criticism.
I highly recommend never offering unsolicited advice or criticism for several reasons.
The first reason is that there are three sides to every story – the interpretation of the two people involved and whatever the truth is. Even someone who is trying to be 100% honest may have an entirely different interpretation of events than the other person does. You may stick your nose into an issue that you don’t truly understand.
The second reason is that in many cases, the other person may not actually be looking for feedback. Some people need to talk things out to sort them out in their head, whereas others don’t. I’m someone who sorts out my thoughts internally, or I write them. Some other people just need a sounding board.
The last reason is that you give them a convenient person to blame if things don’t work out. If you give bad advice and they take it, then they’re going to blame you for things not going well. You don’t want that responsibility. They need to take responsibility for their own life.
If you’re in that situation and you’re unsure, rather than overstepping limits, just ask them, “Do you want feedback or do you just need to vent?” And then respond accordingly.
3. Joking at their expense.
Dr Angela Grippo writes that playful teasing is a grey area that can easily cross the line. You can never know just how sensitive or self-conscious someone might be about themselves. Even if you’re making a mild joke about someone’s quirks, habits, or looks, you may offend them because it strikes a deeper nerve than you intended to.
“Well, they need to just not be so sensitive! I’m not sensitive! Why should they be!?” Well, because everyone else isn’t me. I could let things slide off my back because I’m not sensitive about that kind of judgment from other people. Because that’s what it is. It’s judgment. By joking at their expense, you’re judging their choices, and no one wants that.
It may feel light to you, but what matters is how it makes them feel. People remember how you make them feel, and if you don’t want to find yourself alone, then you don’t want to be making people feel bad.
4. Comparing people to others.
Comparison is a wonderful way to make yourself or other people incredibly unhappy. Comparison focuses on what a person lacks, rather than what a person has. It’s the exact opposite of gratitude, which is something we should all focus on practicing to help improve the overall environment of the mind.
By comparing people, you’re subconsciously telling that person that they aren’t good enough. You may not be intending it, but when you say something like, “Well, I wouldn’t have done that! Why would you do that?” you’re communicating to that person that you don’t think they are capable or able. Some people will find that offensive.
Comparison is not motivating. Focus on the positive, what they did try and accomplish. Encourage them and focus on what they have, rather than what they’re lacking.
5. Downplaying their achievements.
Don’t say things like “oh, that must be so easy for you” or “anyone could do that.” It may seem harmless on the surface, but if someone accomplishes something that they’re proud of, there’s a reason for their pride. They overcame something, they took a risk, or it’s a culmination of their hard work.
A good example is art. “Oh, you do that so naturally! Such God given talent!” Nah, dawg. This is the result of thousands of hours of practice, work, heartbreak, blood, sweat, and tears, frustration, more practice, and then eventual arrival at the completion of the piece. Yet, so many people don’t understand that talent is just a raw, latent ability.
Lots of people have talent, but it requires a lot of work and learning to refine that raw talent into something productive. Phrases like these demean and lessen achievements. If you use them, you will find that they stop sharing their joy with you because no one wants to have their work diminished just because you don’t fully understand what it took for them to get there.
6. Projecting your insecurities.
Sometimes, when we don’t feel good about ourselves, we end up projecting our insecurities onto other people. You may find that you subtly criticize, act dismissively, or point out someone’s flaws. It’s an unhealthy defense mechanism where your subconscious is trying to protect your ego. By putting negativity on the other person, it allows you to avoid examining your own thoughts and feelings, making excuses as to why you don’t feel good enough.
Insecurity will undermine and destroy relationships if it’s not carefully addressed and controlled. That’s why you need to be mindful of what is coming out of your mouth, and most importantly, why you’re saying it.
Never dull someone’s shine or accomplishments, even if you don’t feel good about yourself. If you have insecurities, they need to be addressed in a healthier way that can actually help you grow and evolve.
7. Withholding genuine praise.
There’s not enough positivity in the world. People thrive on praise and acknowledgment. They like to know that they are appreciated or that they are making a difference. If you notice something good that the person did or accomplished, praise them for it. Tell them you’re proud of them for accomplishing what they’ve accomplished.
There’s an old piece of leadership advice that works well in this situation – “Praise in public, criticize in private.” That means save any criticism or problems you might have with what they’re doing for behind closed doors, away from other ears. Have those difficult conversations privately; otherwise, you will make the other person feel embarrassed and self-conscious.
Praise them in public. Lift them up in front of others, and let them feel good about themselves.
Final thoughts…
I hope you find this article helpful. These things took me a lot of time, therapy, and practice to fully understand and embrace properly. Once you do, however, it’s so much easier to connect with people in meaningful ways. People are looking for connection, so you don’t want to accidentally undermine your own efforts.
Build people up and pour into them. It’s one of the easiest ways to create new social connections. And of course, you should expect the same in return. From there, you can look for potential friendships to continue developing.
