Bias plays a significant role in how we interpret the world and the people around us. Discernment is the ability to separate that which is likely to be true from that which is not. It’s a skill that needs to be developed with regular practice and supplemented with additional knowledge.
The more things you learn, the better you can identify what is going on around you. You also get better at seeing what isn’t happening that should be, like when a person’s actions don’t match their words. As they say, knowledge is power.
But how do you develop discernment, exactly?
1. Learn to separate facts from your feelings.
Much of the human experience is driven by our feelings – hope, sadness, love, anger, and more. We often make our decisions from a place of emotion because we feel that something is right or wrong. However, that can be a significant problem when it comes to discerning the truth of a situation. Manipulative people will use your emotions against you, like guilt, for example.
A guilt-tripper will make you feel bad for them, which compels you to want to fix the “problem” to relieve your negative emotions. However, once you understand that so many people are using your emotions against you, you can start separating the facts from the lies or manipulation.
Look for the cold, hard facts about the situation. What is provable? Not necessarily even believable, but actually provable? Because life is strange, and sometimes the truth is hard to believe.
2. Take decisions that require big emotions slowly.
I live with Bipolar Disorder. It’s a mental illness that is characterized by extremes in moods and emotions. I learned long ago that it’s rarely a good idea for me to make a decision while I’m extremely emotional about something, because my emotions may not be grounded in reality. That is certainly helpful for trying to pick up on destructive decisions I’m about to make while unwell, but it’s also helpful in everyday life.
There are plenty of times in life when we’re faced with situations where big emotions are playing a part. Consider relationships. You meet someone who you believe to be the “love of your life” because you have such good energy, but that’s the emotions talking. Just because you have excellent chemistry with someone doesn’t mean that they will be good in a relationship.
Plus, taking things slowly with big emotions can also stop love-bombing. You’re the love of my life, huh? My soul-mate? Well, the good news is that we have plenty of time ahead of us to decide that. Slow down, take your time. Most decisions don’t require an immediate response. Sleep on it or wait until you feel more grounded before making any decisions.
3. Pay attention to other people testing your boundaries.
Malicious, intelligent people who want to take advantage of you know that they can’t just spring their plot on you out of nowhere. They know that if they did, their target would catch on immediately, and it would completely disrupt their efforts.
Instead, what they do is try pushing your boundaries in smaller ways to test the waters of what you’ll put up with.
Pay attention to those smaller tests. For example, maybe you’ve just started chatting with someone that you’ve met on a dating site. They get antsy because you haven’t replied to them in what they feel is a timely manner. They express themselves and say that they expect you to reply more often and prioritize communication. That is a boundary test.
What they are trying to determine is whether or not you can be pushed into changing your pace at their request. If they can do that, then they’ll feel comfortable making other demands on your time and attention. If you say no, or that doesn’t work for me, their response should be acceptance rather than argument.
4. Be willing to see what you don’t want to see.
Many people have greater discernment than they give themselves credit for. However, they get tripped up by a significant hurdle in that they do not want to accept what their intuition or discernment is telling them. Instead, they look for any reasons they can find as to why their intuition is wrong, rather than right.
Does that mean that we’re always right? No. It doesn’t. However, if things don’t add up, and you can see they don’t add up, you’re better off digging further for the truth than ignoring it. You don’t want to waste however much time and energy is required to learn the lesson the hard way. That may take months, even years, just to get through the situation. And that’s not counting the time it’s going to take you to heal and unmake the damage the bad situation caused.
5. Learn to value actions over words.
The easiest way to discern intentions is to give that person time to prove themselves. Words are easy. Anyone can speak them at any time, and you have to remember that not everyone has the same kind of heart as you. For example, a manipulative person can say, “I love you” with no issues if they know that they can use that as a weapon against you.
If you’re a well-adjusted, healthy person, then you’re not going to be inclined to do that. It’s not something you’d even consider doing because of how hurtful and painful it would be. But everyone else is not you. There are plenty of people who will say whatever they need to say to get their own way.
The good news is that these people can’t keep up the facade forever. In most cases, they’ll crumble pretty quick, usually within the span of weeks or months. They’ll start slowly leaking their toxicity out to test your boundaries, and keep putting out more and more as time goes on. Eventually, most will reveal their true character.
6. Consider how you feel after interactions.
Your subconscious may pick up on more than your conscious mind does. Consciously thinking about a situation can cloud your judgment if you haven’t pulled all of your emotions back. Plus, you don’t know what you don’t know. Meaning, you may not consciously understand that there is a problem, but your brain has spotted warning signs that it is trying to communicate to you. But you may not be listening.
So consider how you feel after interacting with someone or leaving a situation. Do you feel good? Whole? Fulfilled? Happy? Anything positive? Or are the feelings more negative? Do you feel sad? Drained? Confused? There’s a good chance that something sketchy is happening if you’re leaving a situation and feeling negatively after the fact. That’s your brain trying to get you to look closer at the situation.
Final thoughts…
I am a writer, so when I say that words are often meaningless, understand that it is not coming from a shallow place. I adore the art of the written word, but I’ve also been around the block enough to know that words are easy. It’s easy enough for someone to speak honeyed words.
The people and the situations that are meant for you will have an alignment with action. For example, the abused person believes that their partner loves them, because they say they love them. But their actions? They don’t show that. Because why would you want to hurt someone you love? Why would you want them in pain?
Pay attention to actions, always. They tell the truth most often.
