When you were a child, how often did you patch up your own cuts and scrapes so you didn’t bother the adults in your life? Did you do homework on your own without ever asking for help, and so on?
If you were remarkably self-sufficient from an early age onward and basically raised yourself, then you probably struggle to ask others for help when it’s needed. In fact, you likely don’t ask for help at all. As such, the following scenarios will likely feel very familiar.
1. When learning something new.
Those of us who like to learn how to do things ourselves tend to be those who were berated for doing things “wrong” when we were younger, even if it was our first attempt. If we didn’t get it perfect first time, then we were either punished for our missteps or forbidden from continuing, so we didn’t screw everything up.
If this is your experience, it’s likely that from then onwards, you’ve taught yourself through trial and error, with practice, and books or online tutorials. After all, this is preferable to being mocked and belittled for daring to ask for assistance. Even now, whether you’re dealing with a baby diaper rash for the first time or learning how to cook a new recipe, you’re determined to figure things out on your own.
2. When you are going through some intense emotional ordeal.
If you basically raised yourself, one fundamental reason why is that you were probably mocked or dismissed any time you experienced a real difficulty. If you went to your parents with something you were struggling with emotionally, they might have laughed and told you not to bother them because they had real problems to deal with.
So you learned to persevere as best you could, crying silently under covers so you didn’t bother anyone, or rocking with anxiety about a very real fear that nobody was willing to help you through.
Even today, you might absolutely refuse to involve anyone else when you’re struggling emotionally or mentally. You keep people at a distance rather than letting them in, as your previous experiences have taught you that vulnerability only compounds the crisis rather than offering any relief whatsoever. It’s much safer to work through things yourself than risk letting anyone close, only for them to stab you in the back or let you down at the first opportunity.
3. When you’re sick.
If you dealt with parents who invalidated you every time you told them that you were in pain or not feeling well, you probably learned to dismiss your symptoms when they show up. After all, you learned early that any attempt to get medical assistance would result in you being told that you were faking it for attention or to get out of school, or that whatever you were dealing with “wasn’t that bad.” You might have even been dismissed and invalidated by doctors or nurses, and left to fend for yourself.
I remember being so sick in my twenties that I was feverish for days and coughing up grey matter, and I still didn’t bother to go to a doctor: I simply drank a ton of tea and soup and slept it off.
Even now, I’d likely need to have a broken bone sticking out of my skin before I seek medical care, because I have no faith that I’d actually get the help I needed. If you feel the same, you’ve likely nursed yourself through all manner of illnesses rather than risk being invalidated and told there was nothing wrong with you, even though you felt like death warmed over or were in excruciating pain.
4. In times of financial difficulty.
In all likelihood, those you were supposed to be able to lean on financially in the past showed you that was absolutely not the case when difficulties arose. In fact, instead of helping you out as promised, they likely berated you for your financial irresponsibility or stupid decisions, even if the reason you’re in dire straits was entirely beyond your control.
The business you worked for went under? Well, then you should have chosen a job somewhere else. And so on. As such, if you now experience times of financial struggle, you do your best to sort things out yourself. Maybe you take on a second (or third) job so you can pay off a debt or replace your car, or sell several of your belongings so you can afford food. You’d rather do that than ask for help from anyone.
5. When advice would be great.
If you basically raised yourself, you likely often find yourself in a position where you’re constantly giving other people advice. You have enough life experience under your belt that you can help others through just about anything, and you have firsthand anecdotes to draw upon whenever needed.
When you’re the one who could use some advice, however, you struggle with the idea of approaching others to help you out. You worry that you may lose their respect or be seen as lesser in their eyes if it turns out that you aren’t the world’s authority on everything. So, as usual, you simply keep muddling through on your own.
6. When something you own is broken.
If you broke something when you were a child, you probably soon learned to hide that fact so you didn’t get punished. You were taught that those around you were of no help if anything you owned broke or stopped working correctly, so you either learned how to fix it yourself, or saved up enough allowance (or newspaper money) to replace it. Essentially, you learned that the only person you can rely on is yourself.
The same thing now happens in adulthood. Has the clothes dryer stopped working? Then you probably look up YouTube tutorials, try to sort it out yourself, or buy a new one when you can. You might also mend your own clothes, and have discovered that duct/Gorilla tape has thousands of uses that most people could never even imagine.
7. When your relationship is falling apart.
Most people are able to turn to their friends or family members when they’re having relationship troubles. If you’ve basically raised yourself, however, you know that asking for help from others isn’t an option. Any time you’ve shown vulnerability or asked for advice, you’ve either been treated like the world’s biggest loser or given advice that was undoubtedly the worst thing you could ever do in any given situation.
If you’ve faced relationship breakdown with nobody to turn to, you must have struggled horribly with what was going on. After all, it’s likely that the only person you allowed close to you was your partner. As such, suddenly, the one person you could once turn to for love, support, and advice is unable to guide and comfort you through this difficulty. The result may be that you had to shut down and withdraw to push through on your own, likely picking up and leaving as soon as possible.
Alternatively, if you tried to salvage the relationship, you probably did so by reading self-help books, reading about others’ experiences online, and doing your best to talk things through with your partner or spouse without the help of a friend, therapist, or counsellor.
Final thoughts…
Some healthcare professionals use the term “premature competence” to describe those who had to become self-sufficient early in life. It’s a type of hyperindependence, and it’s a common trauma response.
Essentially, what happened is that they developed a false maturity early because their caregivers didn’t meet their needs. Once these individuals reach adulthood, they rarely ask for help when needed — they recognized early that there was no point in doing so.
If you can relate to this mindset, then it’s the adults in your life who failed you on numerous levels, and none of it was your own fault. Remember that, and do try to ask for assistance when it’s truly needed.
