Most people don’t walk around wearing signs around their necks that proudly display their deepest vulnerabilities. Although some are vocal about their shyness or other perceived shortcomings online, we mostly clue into their crippling self-doubt or low self-esteem by observing their actions over time.
Some signs are so subtle that we don’t clue in immediately, while others can be glaringly obvious right from the beginning. If someone in your life exhibits the following behaviors consistently and pervasively, you can be pretty sure that their crippling self-doubt runs much deeper and stronger than they’re inclined to admit.
1. They ask for help before trying to do something themselves.
Asking for help is generally a healthy, adaptive behavior. But sometimes, it can be a pattern of learned helplessness where someone consistently refuses to even attempt things on their own first.
This is one thing that drove me crazy about my last partner. I learned a long time ago that not everyone is as self-reliant as I am, so I was understanding when he would ask me for help with something because he knew I had more experience with it than he did. It took years for me to realize that he asked for help before ever trying to do anything himself at all, after which he never had the incentive to try, because why would he? I can do it, right?
This is often a hallmark behavior of someone who is tortured by self-doubt. They don’t believe themselves to be capable of doing things without messing them up terribly, so they ask for help first instead of trying on their own a few times and then asking if they still can’t get it right.
The problem here is that it becomes a vicious cycle: they never learn how to do anything on their own and end up depending on others to take care of things for them, which only further fuels their feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy.
2. Easy defeatism.
If someone who is tortured by self-doubt does eventually drum up the courage to try something, they’ll abandon it quickly if it isn’t perfect the first time they try, or if the process of doing it takes more effort and dedication than they initially expected.
A friend I had years ago, who lacked confidence in himself, insisted that he couldn’t cook because he didn’t know how, so he would constantly get instant food or delivery. After much encouragement, he relented and allowed me to help him make a very basic lasagna. Unfortunately, the unruly bake-ready lasagna sheets didn’t split perfectly when he broke them, so he threw them across the room, tossed the half-made lasagna outside, and ordered pizza instead. To him, this was a confirmation of his inability rather than a perfectly acceptable success.
Of course, not everyone will react this explosively to perceived failure, and there was undoubtedly an element of difficulty regulating emotions involved for my friend, too. But the underlying pattern is the same: the inability to tolerate imperfection or difficulty often becomes “proof” of the individual’s inadequacy, rather than a normal part of the learning process.
3. Constantly asking others if they make sense.
Those who had early experiences in which their thoughts and opinions were regularly invalidated, where they were mocked for being “stupid,” or told that their ideas were ridiculous, often have very little confidence in their ability to express themselves. Furthermore, they’re so plagued by self-doubt that even if they’re incredibly well-educated on a topic, they’ll have perpetual imposter syndrome.
These are the individuals who will share the most insightful, knowledgeable insight on a subject, and then get wide-eyed and ask everyone around them if they made sense. They’re incapable of discerning that for themselves, because their baseline “normal” is to assume that they’re blathering incoherently thanks to their cruel formative conditioning.
4. Immediately getting defensive when asked about their method.
What they’re doing may be something as simple as a house chore or culinary prepping, but when asked about the particular technique they’re using and why they’re going about it that way, they’ll get very defensive and even argumentative about their method. This usually happens when someone was criticized often in their formative years, and therefore grew up feeling like nothing they did was ever good enough.
Essentially, their internal doubt runs so deep that they have a negative internal commentary running at all times. This harsh inner critic questions what they’re doing, calls them useless or incompetent, and so on. As a result, if you ask the most innocuous comment, they’ll take it as yet another critical voice in the chorus and lash out against it.
5. Going to extremes when it comes to their self-image.
For those who are tortured by self-doubt, their physical appearance may sometimes manifest in one of two ways: they’ll either put extraordinary effort into looking the best they possibly can, or they may embrace the most lax approach to aesthetics imaginable.
Those who fall into the former category are often so self-critical and uncertain about their appearance that they strive to gain approval from everyone around them. In contrast, those who fall into the latter description feel that they’ll look terrible no matter what they do, and thus pre-empt criticism by either putting in as little effort as possible or trying to be as shocking to look at as they possibly can. Basically, they are owning the inevitable criticism and taking their perceived unattractiveness to unimaginable heights.
6. Putting things off.
People with severe self-doubt are often chronic procrastinators. They’re so sure that they’re going to do badly at something that they’ll keep putting it off. That way, they don’t have to face what they believe is proof of their incompetence.
Of course, this often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy rather than reflecting the truth of the situation. If they had approached it in a healthy, timely fashion, they would have done just fine. Unfortunately, the stressed-out rush job invariably causes mistakes, which then reinforces their self-loathing and crippling self-doubt.
7. Imposter syndrome.
Even if this person is a celebrated master of their chosen field, they’ll feel like a fraud in their own life. They doubt their own abilities so much that they’re constantly poised to fend off attacks, and assume that every bit of attention that falls their way is scrutinizing them for weak spots to exploit.
To them, they feel like the curtain is going to drop at any moment and they’ll be exposed as the stupid, useless wastrel that they really are. It never occurs to them that this viewpoint is a complete projection of their insecurities and isn’t based on reality at all.
They don’t believe their accolades and take every opportunity to put themselves down when others try to raise them up. If you try to offer them sincere compliments, they’ll tell you it was just luck or that anyone could have done it. Or they may even assume you’re mocking them and push you away accordingly.
8. Never prioritizing the things they need.
A person who’s tortured by self-doubt will often second-guess their own needs and place them as such a low priority that they can end up damaging themselves because of it. For example, I knew a guy who ended up in hospital with a horribly infected tooth abscess because he convinced himself that his chronic oral pain and fevers weren’t that big a deal.
People who had their needs invalidated in their youth were constantly told that what they were feeling wasn’t true. “You’re not in pain; you’re just being hysterical.” “You’re not actually hungry, you’re probably just thirsty or bored,” and so on. As such, they learned early on that they couldn’t trust their own, very real instincts, and perpetuated that belief by ignoring their bodies’ signals, intuition, and so on.
9. They make absolutely terrible relationship choices.
If you have a friend who’s wracked with self-doubt, you’ve undoubtedly witnessed them making terrible (and often completely irrational) relationship choices. For example, they might let their parents treat them like a worthless child instead of establishing healthy boundaries, or allow their subpar leech of a partner to be absolutely awful to them.
Essentially, their self-doubt has convinced them that this is exactly the type of treatment they deserve. After all, if they were worthy of more, those who claimed to love them would treat them better, right?
Sadly, it can be extremely difficult to convince them that they’re deserving of kindness, love, generosity, and respect, rather than a never-ending cavalcade of abuse. The scraps they’re thrown are so important to them that they’d rather keep accepting them than risk not having any tossed their way at all.
Final thoughts…
It’s difficult to help someone unravel the self-doubt that’s been woven into every single aspect of their existence. Essentially, it’s like rebuilding a house’s foundation while that building is still standing. In fact, many people downright give up on those in their lives who are tortured by self-doubt, because they can be so trying to deal with. It usually takes time, patience, and a great deal of therapy to overcome this issue, and not everyone is equipped to handle that responsibility for another. Neither should they be expected to.
If you recognize these patterns in yourself, please know that professional help can make an enormous difference. A therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy or schema therapy can help you rebuild your sense of self-worth in ways that friends and family simply aren’t equipped to do, no matter how well-intentioned they are.
