Most of us wish we had a TARDIS or similar time-travel device that we could use to go back into the past to change things. While some folks daydream about going back to the late 90s to buy shares in Google, or keep those Beanie Babies™ in prime condition, a lot of us would prefer to jump back — even just a few hours or days — to undo harm we’ve caused other people (whether intentionally or unintentionally). But since that isn’t an option, we can instead put some of the following reparative actions into practice instead.
1. Analyze your behavior so you can learn from the experience.
Since we can’t undo what’s been done, we can instead analyze what we did that hurt this person so badly, and why, so we don’t repeat that behavior with anyone else in the future. If the people we’ve hurt are big-hearted enough to forgive us and give us another chance, we can ensure that we do our best to never cause harm to them again.
Take a look at everything that led you to behave the way you did. For example: Did you engage in a conversation you weren’t in a good headspace to have due to lack of sleep or other stress? Or were you lashing out and punishing this person for what someone else did to you in the past? Were you raised to believe that this behavior was normal, and now have to reframe your views and actions accordingly?
If in doubt, ask the person you harmed if they are open to giving you feedback about the things you did wrong. After all, our perspectives are blinkered by our own experiences, and it’s often by accepting corrections from others that we can do better in the future.
2. Don’t keep trying to change their mind with words or excuses.
When you have damaged someone, one of the worst things you can try to do is attempt to make yourself feel better about it. This can involve long talks to explain yourself, insincere apologies (“I’m sorry you feel that way”), and essentially getting them to tell you that everything’s okay again.
But that’s only going to make you feel better, rather than fixing the situation. The very best thing you can do is accept that you messed up badly and then try to be a better person from here on.
Once you have established a negative reputation with poor or thoughtless behavior, the only way to fix it is to stop doing whatever it is that’s hurting others and replace it with actions that are decent, compassionate, and helpful to those around you.
It may well take a significant amount of time before things change, but if you keep chipping away and being a decent, thoughtful person to the ones you claim to care about, their perspective will eventually shift towards you.
3. Look at how you can potentially resolve or improve the situation for the other person.
You may not be able to undo the harm you’ve caused, but there may be space to find a resolution, and possibly even improve the situation. It all depends on what the transgression was, how badly the other person was hurt, and whether they’re willing to work with you to resolve things.
For example, I once damaged an item belonging to a former partner of mine by being careless when I was cleaning. She was deeply upset by this, but I was able to mitigate the damage by apologizing and replacing that item as best I could. I wasn’t able to undo what had been done, but taking action to lessen the damage as best I could went a long way towards alleviating the accidental hurt.
4. Give the person you wronged all the time and space they need.
Sometimes, when we accidentally wrong someone, the immediate response is to want to do as much damage control as we can, as quickly as possible. We’re eager to make amends and leave the bad feelings behind us, so we want to talk it out and decide upon a course of action to “fix” things. Meanwhile, the one we hurt may be so livid with us that all they want is for us to leave them the hell alone for a while.
Although it may be difficult for you to do so, it’s important to give that person as much time and space as they need to process what happened and decide how they feel, and how they’d like to proceed.
You may feel impatient about it, especially if you’re keen to resolve it and get on with things in whichever way, but don’t rush them. The more you press them to hurry up and resolve it, the more they’ll withdraw. Give them the space to come to you when they’re ready to either work towards fixing things or parting company permanently.
5. Accept the fact that you’ve caused pain, rather than hiding from it or dismissing it to make yourself more comfortable.
Most people prefer to run away from discomfort rather than acknowledging it and leaning into it. This is the main reason why many of them are prone to ghosting those they’ve hurt: they dislike the discomfort of the shame they feel about causing harm, and it’s easier to run away and pretend it never happened.
Others choose to try and diminish that pain instead: when the one they’ve hurt tries to talk about it, they’ll belittle them, tell them they’re overreacting, and generally invalidate what they’re feeling for the sake of their own comfort.
Taking actions like these will only cause more damage to the person you harmed in the first place, and will lessen you in other people’s eyes. Those who accept responsibility for wrongdoing, acknowledge it with grace, and do what they can to ameliorate it are usually respected by those around them for doing so. Meanwhile, those who pretend it never happened and try to silence anyone from bringing it up so they don’t get upset are seen as weaklings and wastrels.
6. Grieve broken connections as needed.
Sometimes, we cause enough pain to a person that they don’t want anything to do with us, ever again. Even if we don’t remember exactly what we said or did because we weren’t in our right minds at the time, damage was still caused, and they’re entirely within their rights to protect themselves from us by cutting us off permanently.
It’s horrible when this happens, especially if the one you harmed happens to be a person you were deeply in love with or a long-term friend. If something like this happens, don’t badger them in the hope of convincing them to give you another chance. That’s literally the worst thing you can do in this situation.
Instead, use radical acceptance about the fact that this bridge has been burned and can’t be repaired. Take time to grieve however you need to, but acknowledge that this person is unlikely to ever be part of your life again.
7. Avoid situations and people that bring the worst out in you.
If you’ve done the self-reflection we talked about earlier and noticed patterns of behavior that contributed to you causing harm to others, then it’s in everyone’s best interest if you avoid the situations (and people) that contributed to that harm in the first place. This is especially true if you look back at whatever it is you did and kick yourself because that isn’t the type of thing you’d normally do at all.
For example, if you find that you acted shamefully because you were in a situation that overwhelmed or upset you, or because there were people around who either goaded you on or were a negative influence on you in general, then it’s best to avoid all of those in the future. You can’t promise never to cause the injured party pain again if you keep putting yourself in the same position that inspired the damage to begin with.
Final thoughts…
Try not to get despondent if you’ve been trying to be the best version of yourself for months, even years, and people still bring up your past transgressions. Quite simply, you’re still reaping what you sowed before.
Keep planting good seeds with your amended behavior, avoid falling into the same traps that caused you to transgress in the past, and eventually, they’ll accept that you’re being sincere. It’s easy to put on the facade of being a new and improved person for a short period of time, but long-term consistency is what will change their minds about you.
