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11 Signs Your Partner Is Selfish In Bed (And What To Do About It)

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Is your partner selfish when it comes to sex and other intimate acts?

When you’ve gotten used to your sex life being a certain way, it can be hard to know if this is as good as it gets or if there’s more to explore.

Sex should be equally fun for both of you. It’s not only a way to have a good time together, but it can strengthen the bond you have on an emotional level too.

If you feel as though your partner only cares about themselves in bed, it can create a tension and distance between you that can start finding its way into other areas of your relationship.

The first step to fixing the problem and spicing up your sex life is to identify whether you’ve got a partner who’s lazy in bed.

Once you’ve done that, you need to know how to get them to change. Trying to get your partner to pay more attention to what you like isn’t just down to them; you need to communicate your needs just as much as you expect them to start listening and taking note.

To help understand some of the signs that your partner is being selfish in the bedroom and what to do about it, keep reading.

Speak to a certified relationship counselor about this issue. Why? Because they have the training and experience to help you deal with a partner who is selfish in the bedroom. You may want to try speaking to someone via for practical advice that is tailored to your exact circumstances.

11 Signs Your Partner Is A Selfish Lover

1. They don’t ask you what you like.

Some people might immediately click and have an amazing sexual connection, but for everyone else, it takes time to learn what your partner likes. Only then will you know how to satisfy them in the right way.

When you’re with someone who cares about your experience as much as theirs, then they should be talking to you, asking you what you like, and encouraging you to tell them what feels good.

If your partner is a selfish lover, you can tell early on by the lack of interest they pay to your experience.

They don’t know what you like unless you tell them, so if they aren’t asking, they aren’t caring.

Your sex life will only improve through communication. If your partner is staying quiet and you find yourself stuck in a routine of only ever doing what they like, then you know they aren’t interested in making your sex life better. And they are especially not interested in making it better for you.

2. You’re doing all the work.

If you find your partner barely engaging at all when you have sex and that you’re the one doing all the work, then they could just be being selfish in bed.

If they cared about how you felt as much as their own experience, they would want to engage and be a more active participant in the sexual experience you share, rather than just a passive recipient.

If they only care about themselves, then they’re not going to want to share the attention with you. Instead, they will take everything you give them without any of the reciprocation you deserve.

You should feel as loved and wanted and have as much fun as you’re giving to your partner. If you’re not, then you know that the balance in the bedroom is off.

3. They expect you to meet their needs.

Does your partner always expect you to satisfy them? Do they make you feel bad if you aren’t in the mood?

If you feel as though there’s an expectation on you to always give your partner an amazing time or to keep up with their sexual needs—even if you’re not in the mood or they don’t want to change up your routine—then they’re being a selfish lover.

They’re selfish because they don’t see a problem with demanding something of you, while never giving any of the attention back or being sympathetic to how you’re feeling at the time.

You could be stressed, tired, or just not in the mood. If your partner makes you feel guilty for not engaging with them sexually, then they need to learn to appreciate that you both have different needs that are equally important.

4. You don’t climax.

Reaching a climax can be difficult for some people. If you know that it’s something you can achieve but aren’t with your partner, then you’re probably starting to wonder if the problem is them.

Not achieving the big ‘O’ can depend on a number of things. One of those could be because your partner hasn’t paid enough attention to know how to get you there.

If they’re expecting you to satisfy them, but they aren’t ever doing the same back to you or caring to know if you are having a good time, then they’re only thinking of themselves.

Sex is about the two of you, and both you and your partner should aim to make each other feel as good as you possibly can so you can share each other’s enjoyment.

If your partner is lazy in bed, or just selfish, and never seems to care about getting you to climax, then they need to learn that your enjoyment is as much of a priority as theirs.

5. They never change the routine.

When you find something that works for you both, whether it be a sexual position or routine, you might be reluctant to break away from it at first.

But a routine can quickly become stale and could be an indication that rather than wanting to stick with what works, your partner is just sexually lazy or uninventive. You can only improve on your experience together and keep your sexual relationship fresh by trying new things.

If your partner never wants to have sex any other way, or isn’t interested when you suggest ideas you’d like to try, then they’re not just showing that they have no sexual curiosity, they’re showing you that they have no interest in listening to what you want. In doing so, they are placing more importance on the way they feel.

6. You only have sex when they’re in the mood.

You won’t always be in sync with your partner and want to have sex when they do. It’s okay to say no if you’re not in the mood, and you should give them the space to do the same.

It becomes an issue when the timing of sex is only dictated by one of you.

If your partner never responds when you initiate, but you find that they persist when you say no and don’t let it go, then they’re being selfish in bed.

Sex shouldn’t just be about one of you, and it should be based on respect. That includes being respectful if your partner has said no or has vocalized their boundaries.

You should never feel pressured or guilt-tripped into having sex with your partner just because they want to. They’re being selfish by only considering how they feel and manipulating you into doing what they want rather than sharing a genuine moment together.

7. You always have to initiate.

Being a selfish lover doesn’t always mean being a dominant lover. Selfishness can also show itself through laziness, particularly when it comes to initiating sex.

Think about who initiates sex in your relationship. Is it both of you, or do you always find that you’re the one making the effort?

If your partner never seems to initiate, then it could be because they only care about themselves in bed and are putting minimal effort into your sex life but enjoying maximum benefit.

You deserve to feel wanted by your partner, and they should enjoy the pleasure it brings you by being the one to initiate once in a while. If they aren’t initiating, then you must start to question whether you’d have a sex life at all if it wasn’t down to you.

8. They never engage in foreplay.

Not engaging in foreplay doesn’t mean that a person doesn’t enjoy it; they may just be selfish and unwilling to do anything for their partner, even if they expect it for themselves.

Foreplay isn’t just about getting turned on; it’s also a big part of bringing you and your partner closer before or during sex. It’s about getting closer to each other—not just physically—by building your emotional connection and trust in each other.

If your partner enjoys it, but never seems to reciprocate, then they aren’t showing you that they take pleasure in your happiness and the closeness you share.

The fact that they still expect and enjoy foreplay from you, but they won’t give back, shows that rather than being totally disinterested, they’re only focused on their own happiness. They’re putting their sexual pleasure above yours and expecting you to do all the work, selfishly enjoying it while giving back as little as they can.

9. They want all the control.

You might naturally find that one of you is more dominant in the bedroom while the other takes a more submissive role. You could prefer the dynamics that way round and naturally fall into the habit.

But if your partner is dominant and won’t let you take any initiative or guide them to doing things you like, then your needs are being overlooked, and they could just be acting selfishly in bed.

Having sex should be an experience where both of you feel comfortable exploring new things and saying what you want. If you don’t feel heard by your partner because they’d rather do what they want than try what you suggest, then the balance is off.

Your needs are equal. If you want to mix things up in the bedroom and take control once in a while, then you should feel comfortable and encouraged to do so.

10. They don’t notice what you like.

The most attentive partners don’t always need to be told what you like in bed because they’re paying enough attention to you to see what you enjoy.

Of course, it always helps if you communicate with your partner what you want from them. However, a partner who is genuinely interested in the pleasure you’re experiencing as well as their own will be able to take the cues from you and gradually understand what you like just by being with you.

If this never seems to happen with your partner, then it might be that they’re a lazy lover, just being selfish and not putting in the effort to understand you as well as they should.

Either way, you won’t get the most out of your sex life if you’re with someone who doesn’t take the time to notice the little things about you that can make all the difference.

11. It’s over as soon as they’re finished.

The minute your partner climaxes, is it game over for you? It doesn’t matter if you’ve finished too and feel satisfied, your partner no longer cares the minute they’ve got what they want.

If this is a situation you’re familiar with, then you’re coping with a very sexually selfish partner. It can be hard, particularly for men, to keep going once they’ve climaxed, but they should be paying attention to your needs first to make sure you have the best chance of reaching a climax too and not just focusing on what feels good for them. 

You shouldn’t have to put up with always coming second to your partner, so make sure the focus stays on you as much as it does on them, and don’t put up with them being selfish.

What To Do If Your Partner Is Selfish In Bed

1. Try telling them what you want.

If your partner isn’t giving you what you need sexually and the focus is always on them, then the first thing you should do is to tell them what you want.

They may not have realized that they’re making the experience all about them if you’ve never brought it to their attention.

Give them a chance to redeem themselves by articulating what you want from them. Make your instructions crystal clear. Start taking more control in the bedroom and guiding them into trying things that you enjoy and see if you get any response.

2. Expect more from them.

You don’t have to settle. Your experience in the bedroom is entirely dependent on how much effort and attention you and your partner show each other.

Sex is meant to get better. As you learn exactly what turns each other on, you should become more comfortable with your partner. Don’t just accept that this is the way your sex life has to be, with your partner being selfish and always putting themselves first.

If you don’t demand romance and excitement from them, then they’ll never have the motivation to change, so expect more for yourself and more of them.

3. Hold back.

There is no motivation for your partner to change if they are getting everything they want from you every time you have sex.

If you feel that they’re being unfair or sexually selfish, then don’t keep giving into their requests to show them the extra love and attention they expect if you aren’t getting it back.

This isn’t about withholding sex to get what you want, but you can pull back on the amount of effort you’re putting into your sexual relationship until your partner meets you halfway.

The important thing here is to vocalize what you want from them. Feel empowered to say no to things they ask of you until you start seeing the same effort reciprocated.

4. Don’t fake it.

Don’t tell your partner you’re having an amazing time if you’re not. Until they know how you really feel, they won’t understand why they need to change.

If you keep faking it or telling your partner that everything was great in the bedroom when you feel differently, they aren’t going to understand that they need to change or how to give you what you really want.

If your partner can see that you’re not having the same experience as them, they might realize that something needs to change on their own.

Tell them what you like and what you don’t like and be honest with them about whether you’re satisfied. You don’t have to do this in a cruel or demeaning way; just be honest with them and they might finally see the need to change.

5. Switch up the routine.

If your bedroom antics have been getting stale and it seems all about your partner rather than you, then try approaching sex from a new and exciting angle to switch it up.

If you’re never the one to take control, try initiating. You could create a romantic atmosphere, try roleplay, or dress up for them. Take control of the situation and throw your partner off their usual approach to see if they’re more likely to follow your lead and try something new alongside you rather than making it all about them.

6. Be more dominant.

If you’re always the passive one in the bedroom but your partner isn’t paying enough attention to your needs, then maybe it’s time to take a more dominant approach.

Have the confidence to be the one who initiates and takes charge in the bedroom. For once, make the experience all about you.

See how well your partner responds to you being dominant to understand if they will join you in the experience or pull against it. If your partner doesn’t want to engage, then it’s an opportunity to talk about how you feel and put things into perspective for them.

If they do play along, they can learn more about what things you like in the bedroom while enjoying the opportunity to understand you better.

You don’t have to completely turn the relationship on its head and become sexually selfish yourself. It’s about showing your partner that your needs are as important as theirs and deserve some more attention to make the experience better for you too.

7. Be vocal.

You’ve probably heard the phrase, “I’m not a mind reader,” when it comes to couples understanding what each other wants.

Satisfying sex requires figuring out what works as you go along; it can be hard to precisely explain something you like until you’re in the moment.

Just as much as you shouldn’t fake it if you aren’t enjoying yourself, give your partner clear indications when you are. If they’re being selfish in bed, it could be because they aren’t paying enough attention to cues that you like something, so make it obvious for them. Tell them if you want more or less of what they’re doing or want to try a different position.

Encourage them when they get things right to positively reinforce them. When they give you more attention, you can start giving it back to them, showing them that the more love they show you, the better it is for the both of you.


No one wants to feel ignored in the bedroom. A relationship should feel balanced in all areas, including sex. If it doesn’t feel that way to you, then you need to do something about it.

A great relationship is built through communication, so start by telling your partner what it is you need to be able to get more out of the time you share together.

Their selfishness may not be intentional, but even if it is, they won’t be motivated to change if you keep letting things carry on in the same way.

See it as a chance to work together to make sure you’re both getting the most out of your physical relationship so you can continue to develop into the strong, happy, connected couple that you want to be.

Still not sure what to do about your partner’s selfishness in the bedroom??

Speak to an experienced relationship expert about it. Why? Because they are trained to help people in situations like yours.

Relationship Hero is a website where you can connect with a certified relationship counselor via phone, video, or instant message.

While you can try to work through this situation yourself or as a couple, it may be a bigger issue than self-help can fix. And if it is affecting your relationship and mental well-being, it is a significant thing that needs to be resolved.

Too many people try to muddle through in their relationships without ever being able to resolve the issues that affect them. If it’s at all possible in your circumstances, speaking to a relationship expert is 100% the best way forward.

Here’s that link again if you’d like to learn more about the service Relationship Hero provide and the process of getting started.

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