What is confidence? Well, it’s the feeling that you can rely on someone or something. When it comes to self-confidence, it’s a steady and steadfast belief in one’s self and ability. Confidence isn’t necessarily loud, though; it doesn’t demand attention, nor does it take away from other people. Confidence in yourself is simply about you feeling good about yourself and your ability.
But sometimes your confidence can slip because you internalize negative things you say to yourself. Today, it’s just an errant thought. But then that thought repeats, and repeats, and repeats, and it’s reflected in, and reinforced by, your behavior.
That’s why you want to be aware of what you think and how you feel, because “normal” thoughts and behaviors can undermine your confidence. Here are some to be on the lookout for.
1. Constantly apologizing for small things that don’t require an apology.
You’re allowed to exist and take up space. You don’t have to apologize for existing, speaking up, or making small mistakes all the time. As Very Well Mind shares, what apologizing constantly does is communicate to your subconscious that there is something wrong with you, that you did something wrong.
Inadvertently, you can train yourself to undermine your own efforts. After all, if you were wrong about all these small things, then are you making a good judgment now? How can you be sure? Of course, you can’t be sure, but you also can’t go through life living in fear of being wrong.
Instead, you have to be confident that you are doing your best, and then if it doesn’t work out, you fix it and move on. Most reasonable people aren’t going to want you to tear you down for a small mistake or two. The people who latch onto mistakes are usually just using them as a bludgeon to harm you with.
2. Overexplaining your choices to others.
Confidence isn’t necessarily in your face. Instead, it’s that steadfast assuredness that underlies what you do. The self-assured know that they don’t need to overexplain their choices to anyone else. By overexplaining, you communicate to other people that you aren’t certain of the decision that you’ve made. In turn, you may wind up internalizing some of those feelings.
The confident will explain, but they won’t overexplain, and they don’t explain for validation. Instead, they let their internal validation steer them, which continues to reinforce how they feel about their competency.
As the author and leadership consultant Selena Rezvani writes, overexplaining is a nervous habit that comes from fear. If you feel nervous or concerned about a decision you made, you may fall into the habit of overexplaining. Be mindful of how you’re feeling when you feel like you need to explain for acceptance.
3. Comparing yourself to other people.
Scrolling, observing, and comparing yourself to other people breeds insecurity. Confidence grows when you focus on your own progress, on your own strengths. What you see from other people on social media and in regular life isn’t always what it seems. There are a lot of people who live deep in debt to maintain their facade.
Even the most secure person can feel their confidence being picked apart by social media. Much of what the algorithm does is leverage negative emotions to cause you to feel a particular way, so you’ll take a particular action. That action could be to keep you doomscrolling, or it could be something like selling you a gizmo you don’t need.
Either way, as the saying goes, “Comparison is the thief of joy” – and confidence.
4. Deflecting compliments and downplaying achievements.
People with a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-confidence have an easier time taking credit for their achievements and accepting compliments. It’s true that turning them down may make you seem humble, but for many, it’s unnecessary theater. All you really have to do to accept a compliment is just say “thank you” and smile. That’s it.
Other people may show appreciation to you because you are a valuable person. They value you, what you did for them, or whatever reason they had. Let them do it uncontested. And if you feel uncomfortable? It’s alright. The discomfort will pass, and you’ll slowly get used to it.
I know this from personal experience. I was in a situation where there were a lot of people telling me positive things about the work I was doing, but I always downplayed it. I always said it wasn’t that big of a deal, or tried to turn the compliment back around on the other person. I felt like this was the “humble” thing to do. Plus, I wasn’t really doing it for the praise, so why praise me for it?
Well, the reason is that these people appreciated what I was doing and how I was doing it. They’re allowed to feel that way. It’s their emotions and their perceptions. A willingness to accept that was so difficult, though. It was a habit that took a good six months or so of focused effort to break.
You’re allowed to be good at things and praised for them. So am I.
5. Avoiding direct eye contact.
It seems like a small thing, but for some people, avoiding eye contact can reinforce feelings of inferiority, which will make you feel less confident over time. Speaking as an autistic person, I don’t think the average person realizes just how much eye contact matters in neurotypical socialization.
Unfortunately, many people make snap decisions based on body language, and eye contact in particular. Think of how much pop psychology advice is centered around eye contact. “If they won’t look you in the eyes when they’re saying something, they’re lying!” Or they’re autistic, or socially anxious, or really nervous. It’s often not right, but still, it doesn’t stop people from making snap judgments.
Of course, if you avoid eye contact because you find it uncomfortable, or even painful, you do not have to force it just because neurotypical society makes snap judgments based on it. That’s on society to change, not you.
But if you avoid eye contact because you lack confidence and you want to change that, you can start by focusing on looking at the bridge of their nose instead of directly at their eyes. It’s far more tolerable to hold that kind of “eye contact” than it is to look directly into someone’s eyes.
6. Seeking permission to feel or act.
There are appropriate times to ask for permission to act, particularly if it’s going to inconvenience someone else, but you want to avoid falling into the habit. You’re going to do things and feel things that other people are going to disagree with, and that’s too damned bad for them. It doesn’t really matter what they think about what you think or do.
Besides, why would they know better? Are they more equipped to render a better judgment than you? Why not you? Confident people know that how they feel or act is just as valid as anyone else. If you’re not doing anything to harm anyone, then other people’s opinions don’t really matter.
Final thoughts…
Confidence is something you can build or take apart. You can build it brick by brick, with every success or circumstance that gives you an opportunity to feel good about yourself. The more you succeed, the more confidence you can build easier.
It can be taken apart the same way. That’s why we need to be mindful about how we talk about and treat ourselves so we’re not removing bricks from our wall. Be mindful of what you say and do, and why you do it. That way, you can catch it before it becomes a problem.
