If many of the people you’ve attracted into your life have been users and abusers, you may find yourself wondering why you’re such a magnet to them. After all, it’s not like you have a “kick me” sign plastered to your back, or “gullible” tattooed across your forehead. So why do these people keep honing in on you this way?
The answer may be in certain actions and behaviors you regularly exhibit. Although you may not even be aware that you’re doing them, they’ll pique abusers’ interest like sharks sensing blood in the water.
Now, to be clear, this article isn’t meant to victim-blame at all. If you’ve been a victim of abuse, all the fault lies completely with those who have mistreated you. All we’re aiming for here is to help people become more aware of potential gaps in their personal defenses where predators and abusers may see an opportunity to slip through.
1. Giving too much of yourself too quickly (and too often).
Recently on social media, a woman posted her thoughts about why she kept attracting men who ended up using and mistreating her. Her epiphany was (in her own words) that she “got wifey” far too quickly. From day one, she went above and beyond to do nice things for the people she dated. She baked them cookies, gave up her time alone to hang out with them, prioritized their schedules over her own, and let them take the lead.
Consider how often you may have done the same in any given situation. At work, have you gone above and beyond to prove your worth, only to be taken advantage of by employers and colleagues alike? Have you worn yourself ragged doing kindnesses for friends who never reciprocated? While kindness and generosity are wonderful qualities to have, giving too much, too soon, without reciprocal effort in return sends a message that you’re happy to tolerate a one-sided relationship.
2. Tolerating small abuses instead of putting a stop to them immediately.
Abusers will test the waters repeatedly to see what they can get away with, and that includes small acts of control and abuse. They’ll do little things that they can easily brush off as “just a joke” or a “misunderstanding” to determine who they can and can’t mess with.
If you were raised with the expectation that you tolerate other people’s poor behavior towards you for the sake of being nice or keeping the peace, then you may be unwittingly opening the door for others to use and mistreat you. This is especially true if you’re prone to rationalizing things that others do instead of putting a stop to them or creating distance between you. By tolerating and excusing their awful actions, you’re permitting them to continue them.
3. Disparaging yourself.
Users and abusers are drawn to people with low self-esteem like moths to a flame. As such, if you’re constantly putting yourself down or implying that you aren’t good enough, you’re painting yourself as an ideal target for others to take advantage of you.
Abusers will hear your self-disparaging remarks and turn them around to get close to you. They’ll use flattery and reassurance to make you feel good about yourself, making you want to keep them close so they’ll keep saying nice things and boosting your self-esteem.
Then, when their demands start, you’ll likely be willing to do just about anything to keep them in your life: after all, they may be the first individual to give you seemingly kind, loving attention, so you may feel that your self-sacrifice is worth the positive affirmation.
4. Expressing vulnerability to those you don’t truly trust.
Social media use over the past couple of decades has encouraged people to open up and overshare personal details that would have previously been kept to themselves, and only discussed with close friends, family members, and healthcare providers. Now, most people’s profiles include their various medical diagnoses, personal preferences, phobias, traumas, and so on.
While it’s noble to want to be an open book so you can live as authentically as possible, doing so also makes you vulnerable to predation. The same goes for opening up about deeply personal experiences, fears, and perceived shortcomings to people you don’t know very well. Unless you’ve gotten to know someone over the course of several months (or even years), you never know whether they’ll use that information to manipulate you.
5. Asking for help or validation when it isn’t really needed.
People who don’t have much self-esteem often seek help and reassurance when it isn’t necessary. They seek praise and recognition for their efforts, and even though they may know exactly what they’re doing, they want to feel seen by others and told they’re doing a good job. The same goes for second-guessing their decisions or asking for help with a task before even attempting to do it themselves.
If you’ve been guilty of doing these things in the past, please be aware that behaviors such as these scream to potential abusers that you’re ripe for the plucking; that if they step in as a “white knight” and take care of you (and the situation), then they have an “in” with regard to your life.
6. Forming bonds with people easily, rather than getting to know them well first.
This is particularly common nowadays, as more and more people are meeting friends and potential partners online rather than in person. It’s very easy to cultivate the idea of a person whom you’ve never spent time with, rather than seeing them in their entirety and gauging how you feel about them accordingly.
Many users and abusers take full advantage of the distance and anonymity that their online presence offers, and present themselves as their target’s ideal. They may trawl through your social media posts to find little details you’ve shared over the course of several years, and incorporate them into the facade they present to you.
As a result, you may feel that the two of you have an amazing connection, since you have so much in common and they seem to be the perfect match for you — either as a friend or potential partner. In reality, they’ve simply put together a costume made of your favorite things to lure you in and get you to drop your defenses for them.
7. Having weak or nonexistent personal boundaries.
If someone insults you at work or when you’re out shopping, do you tolerate that behavior meekly, explaining it away as them having a bad day? Or do you confront the person and make it clear that their actions are unacceptable? If you tend to err on the side of meekness, other people learn quickly that you won’t stand up for yourself when you’re being mistreated.
This is a massive trait that users and abusers are drawn to. They don’t want fiery opponents who will challenge their every move: they want easily pliant victims who will tolerate being walked all over without fighting back.
8. Not spending time alone to get to know yourself.
A lot of people have a great deal of difficulty with solitude. They’re often serial monogamists because they can’t handle being single and not having someone to focus their energy and attention on. Whatever free time they have is spent doing things for others, talking on the phone, chatting online, and so on.
If you fall into this category, then you likely haven’t spent much time alone getting to know yourself on your own terms. Those who know themselves well are usually very aware of their personal strengths and shortcomings, and can tell when someone is trying to take advantage of their weak spots.
If you’ve made a point of never being alone long enough to explore your inner thoughts and get to know the real you, you may find yourself overlooking countless red flags and getting into situations that are difficult and painful to extricate yourself from.
Final thoughts…
The most important thing to remember here is that if you’ve been used and abused by people in the past, it’s not your fault. As stated earlier, this article is not about victim blaming, but is geared towards understanding how others may prey upon you due to certain behaviors you’re exhibiting.
Those who use and abuse others for their own gain are like hyenas: opportunistic cowards who beeline towards vulnerability, and then take little bites to see how much they can get away with. By curbing the behaviors we’ve listed here, you’ll make yourself far less appealing to them.
