I grew up in a busy home with 16 siblings, and as one of the eldest, I stepped up to take care of everyone else. As a result, I never learned about boundaries or that it was okay to advocate for myself. The message I internalized was clear: be nice and likable, and everyone else would be happy.
As an adult, I perpetuated the belief that I don’t matter around others without realizing this signaled a lack of self-respect. For me, respect was always an abstract concept that meant doing for others, but never for myself. If you’re wondering whether your public behavior undercuts your dignity in a similar way, these are some signs to watch for.
1. You laugh it off when people disrespect you.
Being agreeable is a desirable quality, as it makes you easy to work with, quick to help, and empathetic to others’ needs. However, when you begin to prioritize everyone else’s needs over your own and become so overly agreeable that your needs fade away, it’s ultimately detrimental to you and your mental health.
If you’d do anything to avoid conflict, such as laughing when you’re the butt of every joke, you are sacrificing your integrity to please everyone else. My ex would always make fun of me when his friends were around, but the “friendly banter” stung. I didn’t speak up then because when he was laughing, at least he wasn’t shouting at me. Perhaps you do something similar, like brushing off rude comments in public with a quick grin and an “I’m fine,” instead of self-advocating when someone says something inappropriate.
2. You apologize for everything.
My now-husband picked up on something I was subconsciously doing — saying sorry. A lot. I would do things like apologize to a kid who crashed into me in a shop, even though I didn’t do anything wrong. Over-apologizing or fawning is another side of the fight-flight-or-freeze coin, and it happens when you have learned to survive conflict by shrinking yourself to show you’re not a threat.
Is sorry your default word? It could be a conditioned response, but it denies when someone wrongs you, instead of standing firm for your rights and fair treatment. Perhaps your kids throw a tantrum because you won’t buy them a toy, which makes you apologize for upsetting them and buy it, or you quickly ward off a manager’s unfairly placed displeasure with the same five letters. It means you claim responsibility for what you didn’t do wrong.
3. You consistently ignore your well-being.
I had learned from an early age that being slender and athletic, winning trophies, and always succeeding were how I earned acceptance. It’s no surprise then that I briefly developed an eating disorder in my twenties. I’d always check my family and friends were fed, but skipped meals myself, often pretending I’d eaten earlier. I was essentially punishing myself and undercutting my rights to nourishment and care.
When my mental health worsened, I learned in therapy that by constantly denying my body what it needed with nourishment, rest, and physical care, I was disrespecting my right to live and thrive. This can show up in different ways for different people. For example, you might let your kids hurry you out of the bathroom, or perhaps you repeatedly work during lunch breaks. If so, you are engaging in self-denial and disrespecting your own needs at the expense of others’, and this leaves your well-being in a negative state.
4. You agree to anything and everything.
When a group of colleagues recently tried to push me to have drinks with them, I decided to buck my tendency toward agreeableness and say no. I was tired, needed some quiet time to recharge my introvert batteries, and didn’t really feel like going out. Old me, who didn’t put myself first, would have agreed because it was the “right” thing to do.
I would have gone without thinking and played the victim afterward, feeling very sorry for myself that I again let people “bully” me into something. But this cycle is a chaotic pattern that perpetuates unhealthy relationships, both with those around you and with yourself.
By working on my self-awareness, I can now read my emotions and consider the impact of my decisions instead of being coerced into drama by being the victim, rescuer, or persecutor again. When you let yourself be forced into the victim spot, it only breeds resentment and does nothing for your self-respect.
5. You squirm when receiving a compliment.
Have you ever earned a compliment, only to feel like you’d rather crawl over a bed of nails than accept the kind words? I’ve been there. In my professional world, I sweat over each editor’s review, and when clients praise my writing, I still feel like I am a fraud and that they must surely be referring to someone else. When you deny compliments and downplay praise, psychology says that you are falling into the imposter syndrome trap because you secretly doubt your worth.
But by cracking jokes or downplaying your achievement, you’re dishing out a self-slap that disrespects your integrity and pride. Society may have created the idea that denying words of praise is a sign of humility, but it’s not. Instead of saying, “It’s nothing” or “That’s not necessary,” you can respond with words that acknowledge the praise and your worth. Try saying, “Thank you, your words are encouraging.”
6. You allow people to overstep your boundaries constantly.
Low self-esteem often shows up in how you let others treat you in public. A colleague may constantly interrupt you or sit too close to you and touch you in a way you don’t like, but you just laugh it off awkwardly instead of speaking up. Confrontation can feel terrifying for some people, so keeping quiet seems like an easier way out.
Yet, I’ve learned that setting healthy physical, emotional, mental, and time boundaries has given me a deeper peace because I know what I allow and deny. With an appropriate response to a boundary challenge, you can maintain your self-respect without diving into conflict.
It’s about knowing which actions respect your feelings, well-being, and thoughts while having the integrity to say “no” or guide someone to what treatment you will accept.
7. You overexplain all of your choices.
When someone asks you why you engaged in a specific behavior, it can feel like you’re on trial, but overexplaining your choices is about more than just sharing information. It’s how you try to “earn permission” instead of standing behind what you chose to do.
In contrast to speaking up for yourself, overspeaking is about poor assertiveness. When you embody what psychologists call functional assertiveness, you focus on the outcome you want and say what you need to get it without explaining yourself.
Explain what you decided, not why you chose something or what makes you suitable for the decision. I’ve learned that “no” is a full sentence. In many cases, it really isn’t necessary to explain your choices. You don’t require permission for your actions, and adding elaborate reasons will only undercut your authority and power.
8. You constantly seek outside validation.
As a child, when my mom got home after work, she’d immediately ask if I had checked that my younger siblings were bathed, fed, and had finished their homework. Once I assured her everything was done, she would praise me for being responsible, but rarely asked about my day. For me, praise was a condition earned by external things and people, and this meant I couldn’t validate myself.
Today, I crave the validation of colleagues, friends, my partner, and our kids. I do more than I should to earn their approval, when self-worth should be my motivation.
If you focus outward rather than on your needs and morals, you give your control to others, who then direct your actions and determine your value. In public, it manifests as you being a people-pleaser and a doer who jumps to do everyone else’s bidding, except your own. And it signals that you don’t respect yourself and what you need, deep down.
Final thoughts…
Many of your public behaviors can be signs of a lack of self-respect, and they probably developed as survival strategies during childhood or because you never learned to self-advocate. But what worked as a kid doesn’t always translate well into healthy adult relationships.
Do you let others speak harshly to you, do for them without thinking, and ignore your needs? Your actions disrespect who you are when you don’t see and can’t believe in your worth. Self-respect is about being your own supporter and protector in private and in public. If you’re struggling with the behaviors listed here, I would definitely recommend working with a therapist, if you can, to work through them.
