Authentic people rarely have large groups of friends because they don’t play the same social games that regular people do. We all wear social masks to fit in and not rock the boat at times. For example, it may not be the best choice to show your authentic self in the workplace. Sometimes, you have to be professional.
But in one’s personal life, authentic people allow themselves to be real so they can make deep, meaningful connections with others. If you want to be a more authentic person, you can learn from other authentic people by embracing these behaviors.
1. They prioritize depth of communication over frequency.
Shallow conversation is not that interesting to the authentic person. Hell, according to this study, most people prefer deep conversation over shallow. They would rather have one deep conversation where they get to see the truth of a person over ten superficial conversations full of boring pleasantries.
That’s not to suggest that small talk is totally useless, or that authentic people never do small talk. Too many people look at small talk as a bad thing, instead of as a way to ease their way into deeper conversations. Most people don’t want to just jump straight into the deep end, and small talk helps them feel comfortable building that bridge.
That said, authentic people know that they can’t have a deep connection with shallow people, so they aren’t going to hang about if the small talk never gets bigger.
2. They don’t chase validation from other people.
A person at peace with themself does not need the approval or validation of other people. They understand that they are more than good enough regardless of what they can bring to the table. They accept that they have strengths and weaknesses, and that’s okay!
Typically, they will also treat other people the same, not tearing them down for being different or forcing them to perform for approval. Praise and feedback can be quite helpful when it comes from someone you trust, but they don’t require it to feel good about themselves.
Regardless of who they are, what they do, or what they can’t do, they are at peace with themselves.
3. They listen to understand you, rather than just reply.
When you talk to an authentic person, you will feel heard. They aren’t thinking about how they are going to reply to you after, nor are they just waiting for the moment to outshine you with their reply. They practice active listening by focusing on what you have to say with their undivided attention.
Far too many people don’t know how to actively listen. They aren’t in the conversation because they’re busy scrolling their phone or watching television while they’re supposed to be listening. It could also be that they are instead trying to think of what they want to say rather than listening to you.
Authentic people give you their undivided attention.
4. They’re selective about their closest relationships.
An authentic person may put a lot of positive energy out into the world around them, but they are selective about who they let be close to them. As Dr. Guy Winch writes, the reason is that the unhealed and malicious often see an authentic person as a beacon. So the authentic person must have solid boundaries; otherwise, other people will come along to bask in their mental and emotional energy.
They don’t tolerate bad connections and relationships because – why would you? Why would you spend your time futilely trying to prop someone else up or letting them dull your shine? Plus, authentic people don’t want to waste their energy on people who don’t resonate well. Their closest relationships are often with other raw, authentic people.
5. They’re consistent rather than performative.
To be authentic, you need to be in tune with who you are and what you stand for. Authentic people treat others with dignity and respect, regardless of whether there is an audience or whether they can get anything out of it. The way they choose to treat people is a reflection of their values. They’ve made a choice to honor and respect others.
I can tell you in my own journey, there was a time when I wasn’t the kindest person. In fact, I was cruel, and I did a lot of things to other people that I wish I could undo, but I can’t. It occurred to me on my healing journey that any pain or suffering I put into the world by my own hands wounded me, too. What right did I have to make anyone else’s life harder? Is that a good way to be?
No, it’s not. You can’t look at other people as stepping stones or tools to be used and live an authentic, peaceful, happy life. Yes, you may benefit in the short-term, but you’re making enemies in the long-term and poisoning your soul.
Do the right thing, even when no one else is looking, even if no one will ever find out.
6. They’re comfortable with silence.
Far too many people get antsy when things grow quiet. An authentic person doesn’t necessarily feel the need to fill the silence with noise for the sake of noise. Instead, they are selective about when and how they speak, and they can peacefully coexist with others in a silent space. They don’t need to say something mundane, turn on music, or a show.
In our busy, nonstop working world, chaos and noise are more prevalent than peace and silence. The problem is that peace and silence are where you find a lot of wisdom, where you take time to reflect on yourself or the conversation you’re in. Comfortable silence is a wonderful time to consider the other person while you peacefully coexist together.
7. They set, respect, and enforce boundaries.
Boundaries are an essential tool for healthy relationships and connection. They teach other people how you want to be treated, because everyone has different tolerances. For example, in blue-collar work, it’s super common to insult each other as a form of affection and be polite to the people you don’t like, so they don’t think you want them around. That bothers some people, particularly people who would take those “insults” as genuine instead of just the trash talk it is.
Other people have a right to choose how to be treated. Similarly, the authentic person knows that the way they conduct their life isn’t going to make sense to everyone else. Other people often use social pressures to try to get the unique and authentic back in line with social standards. They will not allow that. They would rather be alone than sacrifice their authenticity.
8. They support others without envy or jealousy.
Life does not have to be a competition if you don’t want it to be. Once you’re in tune with your authentic self, competing with other people just doesn’t seem worthwhile for the most part. Like, why? Your success takes nothing away from me, and even if I did lose something to you, it’s alright, there will be other opportunities.
Authentic people don’t look at others’ accomplishments and take them as a criticism of themselves. Instead, they celebrate the successes of others, providing support and cheerleading. Snuffing out another person’s light does not brighten yours. It just disrespects you for making such a low vibrational choice to attempt to do harm to others.
9. They value vulnerability over their image.
To be authentic, a person must accept all facets of themselves, for better or worse. That includes the ugly parts, the shameful parts, and the painful parts. When an authentic person shows up, they show up from a place of genuine emotion and being. That means they can accept their ugliness and express it in an authentic way.
Instead of worrying about appearing strong and stoic, they may instead be more willing to do things like cry in front of others, because they know accepting one’s emotions is not weakness. Its strength. And sometimes, emotions are ugly and difficult, and that’s okay. It’s far better to get it out than to suppress it and let it build.
A final word…
Authenticity is a hard-fought, hard-won battle for acceptance with yourself and your place in the world. It’s difficult as you try to open up and radically accept all of the pieces that make you who you are. Still, it’s a worthwhile journey because it leads directly to peace, happiness, and a better well-being.
Expect to stumble along the way. These are the times in which you will want to practice kindness, understanding, and acceptance of your imperfect self. No one is perfect, and that’s okay. It’s better to be authentic than to appear perfect.
