No one ever really teaches you how to comfort someone who is going through a hard time.
Instead, we fall back on common tropes that some find inspirational, while others find them insulting or demeaning. They can even be quite harmful to someone in a delicate mental space.
With that in mind, if you find yourself compelled to say these phrases, you may want to stop and ask if it’s the right time, or even the right message.
8 things to avoid saying unless you know for sure they will be well received:
1. “God has a plan.”
Listen, you can believe whatever you want to believe. I respect your right to believe it. However, the phrase “God has a plan” doesn’t always send the vibe you intend – that there is some sense or order to the terrible things that happen in life.
It may be comforting to a person of faith, but for someone like myself, it feels like unhelpful, toxic positivity.
There doesn’t have to be greater meaning to everything terrible that happens. Sometimes, it’s no more complicated than that a bad person did a bad thing to someone who didn’t deserve it because anger and power feel amazing.
Know your audience if you’re going to use this phrase. Because if someone views it as toxic positivity, they are more likely to shut down and just not talk to you instead of engaging. You will no longer be in a position to support them because they will feel like you aren’t hearing their pain.
2. “Everything happens for a reason.”
I’ve lived almost 50 years on this planet, and I’ve seen and done a lot of things in that time. I do firmly believe everything happens for a reason – and that reason is that life is loosely organized chaos.
No one is above suffering, and terrible things happen to innocent people every day because that’s just how life goes sometimes.
But that’s not how the average person tends to use this phrase.
Instead, people tend to use it to mean that there is some great, benevolent force that is putting meaning behind the suffering that we all must eventually face. Which, again, is something that really boils down to personal beliefs and interpretation.
It’s not a good phrase to use for someone who is struggling because sometimes the suffering is too stark. Frankly, it can also be quite offensive depending on the context; for example, if someone has been abused in ways you could never comprehend.
Personally, people have loved to tell me “everything happens for a reason” when I’ve talked about my struggles, which have included suicide attempts.
Yes, there was a reason for them, and that reason was undiagnosed, severe mental illness. It wasn’t some test of character or God’s will. I had undiagnosed bipolar disorder, and suicide attempts are a common part of that.
3. “Other people have it worse.”
We know. Many of us diminish our own suffering by comparing it to other people. The issue is that this phrase doesn’t provide any kind of solace or real perspective.
Suffering isn’t a competition. It isn’t about who has it worse than who. Instead, we’re far better off showing support by just acknowledging that person’s struggles and holding space for them in their suffering.
Many people struggle to create that space because they feel compelled to fix the problem, but some problems can’t be fixed. Some problems you can only be present for as a person goes through their struggles.
In that moment, we don’t need a reminder of how awful the world has been to other people. Instead, we just may need someone to say, “That’s terrible, what you’re going through. I’m here for you.”
4. “You have to stop making excuses.”
This phrase usually communicates a different message than intended. Instead of trying to get someone to suck it up and keep moving, it’s far more likely to cause the person to think you don’t care.
Telling someone to stop making excuses when they are trying to voice their struggles communicates to them that you’re not listening or valuing their emotions.
It may seem like an excuse to you, but you may only be seeing the tip of the iceberg of what that person is dealing with.
A lot of people don’t open up their depths without testing the waters to see how receptive other people might be first. So instead of facilitating action or helping, you may cause that person to shut down and close off, prolonging their struggles.
5. “You can’t just feel sorry for yourself.”
Depression is an all too common struggle that we leave little room for. Some people don’t feel sorry for themselves because they are just being a downer. They may feel sorry for themselves because they’ve been struggling for such a long time that they don’t know how else to feel.
Depression can sneak up on you, and it can be self-reinforcing when things don’t work out. Breaking that cycle can be difficult when you don’t have any new ideas on how to help yourself.
If someone is constantly down on themselves, I find it is most helpful to do some idea generation with them for different things to try.
Sometimes, a person who feels sorry for themselves just needs an additional set of hands to help them break out of the rut that they’re in.
6. “Nobody is coming to save you.”
Again, this is another phrase that will not be interpreted the way it is presented.
It’s often used as a way to try to inspire the person to take action and shake off their feelings. But what it also says is, “No one cares about your problems.”
And if you’re the one saying it, you are inadvertently communicating that you don’t care enough about that person and their problems to want to help.
That’s a bad message to send to someone you’re trying to comfort.
Instead of focusing on what the person is lacking, I find it a better approach to ask the person what they’ve tried.
That way, maybe I can come up with an idea, or we can come up with an idea together that can help them while they are struggling. Tough love only works on a small demographic of people.
7. “You should be grateful for what you have.”
The fun thing about mental struggles is that they often cause us to devalue ourselves and the good things that we have in life.
What’s more, the good things we have don’t necessarily offset the difficult situations we face. In fact, they may not be relevant at all. For example, let’s say I have a great job and a nice home, but my child dies in a car accident.
None of these things are relevant to one another. The struggle and pain of losing a child is not going to be offset by having a great job and a nice home.
Gratitude is a powerful tool, but it has its time and place.
If you’re trying to comfort someone through a difficult time, one of the kindest things you can do is just let them feel their emotions. Just be present with them.
In a situation like grief or significant loss, there’s nothing you can do or say that’s going to erase the pain. However, you can provide a little comfort by just being present.
8. “Don’t let your mental illness control your life.”
As a person with a severe mental illness, I’ve heard several variations of this over the years.
At first, it made me angry. Now? It’s just kind of funny, frankly.
Like, do these people think that I’m happy with my brain betraying me and making me do things that I would never do under normal circumstances? Do they think that you can out-think a severe mental illness? That you can just willpower your way through suicidal thoughts and impulsive decisions?
It’s strange, but it also speaks to how misunderstood and stigmatized mental health issues still are.
Like, no, I didn’t actively choose these self-destructive actions because I wanted to. My mental illness decided for me, and I acted on those thoughts because my mental illness convinced me it was the right thing to do.
Yes, if you have a mental illness, you can take steps to stay as mentally healthy as possible. Yes, you may be able to learn to notice when your mental state is declining, and take action before it’s too late. But ultimately, some things are going to be out of your hands, and pretending otherwise only adds shame where there shouldn’t be any.
Don’t use this phrase around someone with a serious mental illness. It will only show how little you understand.
In closing…
In my opinion, from my experience, a lot of these phrases and feel-good platitudes come from people who just aren’t comfortable being uncomfortable.
Many people feel compelled to say something, anything, to try to alleviate the suffering of the person they’re trying to comfort. What they don’t realize is that sometimes you just can’t.
There are no magic words that are going to just create peace and happiness in extreme circumstances.
So, before you speak, ask yourself this question. “Is this something they actually need to hear, or do I just feel the need to say it?”
